Fanny now has her own website but feel free to donate for upkeep!
And visit if you'd like! Don't forget to check out the message board!
JKLand Global News

To donate in AMERICAN funds.

December 29, 2003

There is a new look here at the JKLand Global News and we've made a few changes--there is no longer a guestbook becasue nobody cared enough to sign it...so if you care to give me a message you can post it on the message board or email me directly...thanks.

December 24, 2003

Merry Ho! Ho!

December 22, 2003

Hi all...welcome to another JKLand Global News Brief...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt....

Tonight we start a special report on "Fanny Haters"...yes that's right JKLand...there are some fans amongst you that don't appreciate my reports...perhaps they can't handle the truth or perhaps they "have a gr8 since of humor and a huge funny bone....but when I read some to the things on that site I think one whole side of my brain melted from the complete stupidity...just thought you should know... "

Thanks you for your comments...but all stupidity aside...screw you and the horse you rode in on...

Oh...I'm sorry--how unprofessional of me...I meant to say, "FUCK you--and the ass you're so far up into."

In other news...fans are counting down the days to the "JKLand Whiteout"...and most fans really don't ive a shit...

On a brighter note...fans have been receiving autographed photos of Mr. Knight...this is apparently on behalf of missylovesjk...hmmmm...wonder why I haven't received one? Strange...

And, in other parts of JKLand, fans have decided to stop harassing Jordan and making fun of his weight problem and rapidly receding hairline...well I guess it was one fan...and we kicked her ass...she's back from the dark side again--it was a close call...

That's all the time we have for this evening...see you all next time on the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt and I'm outta here...

December 17, 2003

Good morning JKLand...and welcome to another edition of the JKLand News Hour....I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

I am saddened to say that this report will be neither friendly or upbeat...the webite of the God Jordan Knight is in shambles and it is the opinion of many that the man who is reponsible for the comotion is a man by the name of Chad...which--spelled backwards means 'sore arse' in yiddish...oh wait...I'm sorry--my bad...that is the meaning of the name Nadroj (no offense by the fan of the same name)...but then again he should be used to that feeling by now...

It is in the opinion of most fans that Mr. Knight should hibernate from December 2nd to at least Valentine's Day...this appears to be the time that he get's himself into trouble. If he did take a break it's not as though he would be bored...he could amuse himself by playing with his giant man-titties (yes it's still funny to me) or he could spend time recording the imaginary album that will magically appear sometime in the next millienium (which is only 100 years in Jordan's world so it may come sooner than expected)...

In other news...fans have been turning on each other causing Jordan to lose more hair...oh wait...no that's just becasue he's getting old...or it could be the alcohol abuse...it's a toss-up...

And that leads to the next issue...any fans who think that Jordan Knight gives a shit about anything that goes on at that site needs to have another Coor's light and a slice of Pizza Hut pizza...he's probably sitting in front of his computer wondering why he keeps waking up in the morning with a sore arse...I doubt he logs in--sees fans fighting and says, "Whoa, that one puckered my butthole" (sorry--"Bad Boys II" moment)...

And it is the opinion of this journalist that the glory days of jk.com have come to an abrupt end...do we care? Can we live without the thing that keeps our nearly two decade old dreams alive? Will we never have the chance now to marry our one and only true love? Where the hell did that pedestal go? Why the hell did we ever think he could sit up there and not topple off like a drunk monkey trying to reach his banana....

Well...that's all the time I have for this morning...I wrote a previous report but some natural disaster that I have yet to determine--it was erased--and after much crying and moaning and banging of the head against the computer screen, I set to recreate it's glory...but it came out just shy of shitty...I appologise and bid you adieu...thanks for tuning in to the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt and I am outta here...

December 14, 2003

Good evening JKLand and welcome to this very special JKLand Global News Brief…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

Today was the day that millions have been waiting for…the capture of Sadam Hussein…

But we want to bring you an even bigger, more shocking story…the JKLand White Out…January 1st/2004 will mark the end of an era at JKLand…all non VIP fans will not be able to access the site unless they purchase a VIP card. This new scheme to fill Jordan Knight’s pockets is the worst one yet…several previous schemes have failed—including the bakery/brothel that was shut down late last month when police were tipped off by a rabid stan…this time however, Mr. Knight has no control over this operation…so it will probably succeed…we spoke to our special correspondent Jdot about the matter…here is what she had to say…

“I believe I heard something about a strike…we all know how well the last one did…I’m about ready for another nap…”

Thanks Jdot.

I can tell you that the mood tonight is foul. Fans think that Jordan should switch back to Heineken so that he may have more control over what jkstaff does at his site. His loss of control has fans speculating where they will find themselves if this new VIP only site emerges. Some fans such as kdgirl and JTL have admitted that they would agree to sexual favors in order to rank higher on the VIP list…they didn’t clarify on who they would give said favors to so we sent Carot Top and Marcel the Monkey over to their houses…(BTW…Marcel is female…I won’t tell if you don’t tell.)

That’s all we have for now…more details as they emerge…

December 08, 2003

For those who missed "Chat Room Confessions"...original airdate, Nov 21/03...

Good evening JKLand and welcome to the JKLand News Hour…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

Tonight we bring you Part 1 of our special series, “Chat Room Confessions”. For months we at the JKLand News Hour have placed special spies in the chatroom. Hidden from other chatters, their job is to save all chats between Jordan Knight and anyone who happens to enter. Our first “Chat Room Confession” is between Mr. Knight and a someone chatting under the name “Sodomy_sgiM69”. Jordan has chatted regularly with this person and they appear to have some sort of a relationship.

What you are about to read was taken from a chat between the two just last week…our hidden, undercover reporter read in horror as the two, unbeknownst to the presence of our spy, chatted freely,. We warn you. What you are about to read may offend some fans. Here is our first “Chat Room Confession”…

Sodomy_sgiM69 entered the room.

jk entered the room.

Sodomy_sgiM69:Guess who I ran into at the bar last night?

jk: yo mama? lamo!

Sodomy_sgiM69: Dude! That’s not funny! You know she’s aerobaphobic—she’s afraid of everything man.

jk: No—I think you mean angoraphobic.

Sodomy_sgiM69: Oh yea—I think you are right. Anyway…so I was at the bar and…

jk: what did you wear?

Sodomy_sgiM69: My Jonathan G’s and a t-shirt…anyway…

jk: the blue ones?
Sodomy_sgiM69: No—the acid washed ones.

jk: stellar!1 did you wear the machting jacket/

Sodomy_sgiM69: No—I wore my faux fur.

jk: wHOs %(*&$(&#^ faus fir/

Sodomy_sgiM69: OK OK simma. YOUR faux fur…anyway can I get back to my story?

jk: OH OH!1 is it the one buot the puppie who saves the little boy in the wel?/

Sodomy_sgiM69: NO just let me %*&%*% tell you who I saw.

jk: fine who di you sea?

Sodomy_sgiM69: Nasty Nancy!

jk: NO OMG NO

Sodomy_sgiM69: Yup—man I still can’t believe you hit that!

jk: dude i still have knightmaireses about that night. why you thnk I wrote “don,t cry”

Sodomy_sgiM69: So then what made you want to get with her?

jk: it was beer pressure man..

Sodomy_sgiM69: Dude—I think you mean “peer pressure”.

jk: naw man. it was beer pressure. i had like 12 coors light and it was casueing pressure on my optional nerve casue I couldn’t tell she was a dawg.

Sodomy_sgiM69: No—I remember…you said she reminded you of a certain chatter—so you just had to buy her a drink and sweet talk her into the back seat of your car.

jk: you must be smoking ryan’s good stuff again. I don’t know what you tawking about.

Sodomy_sgiM69: Well let me refresh your memory…you told me she reminded you of a cross between Britney Spears and Sarah-Joy.

jk: no no no no no non on non onon ono nonoijaPDSOIHP{W!#795680432682374658!!!

Sodomy_sgiM69: You DID! Matter of fact I think YOU were smoking Ryan’s good stuff because that was just NASTY!

andi entered the room.

bev76 entered the room.

Sodomy_sgiM69: DUDe..the freaks are starting to arrive…better go…

bev76: jrdan. how you don? did yo git my massage/ hop you lve my.

jk: holy hell how do I get out of here?

andi: hi jk. i want to do a special proect to you send me email me and i’ll tell you about it.

Sodomy_sgiM69: LOGOUT YOU IDIOT!!

jk has left the room.

Sarah-Joy entered chatroom.

Sodomy_sgiM69: HOLY HELL!!!

Sodomy_sgiM69 has left the room.


That was part one of “Chat Room Confessions”…tune in next week for part two.

In other news tonight…Mr Knight confirmed on the message board of his site what we all knew from the beginning. Jordan Knight is a putz.

And this just in…Jordan Knight is still a putz.

That is all we have time for tonight…please tune in next time…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt for the JKLand News Hour. Have a pleasant evening.

Stay tuned this week as Fanny gives a new report!!!

December 03, 2003

‘Twas the 3rd of December at jk.com,
Jordan logged in to find everyone gone.
“Where could they be?” he thought scratching his head,
“It’s too late for coffee and much too early for bed…”
“Perhaps,” he exclaimed as he rose from his chair,
“They’re all in the chat—maybe I should go there!”
So he clicked on the button above the red lounge, then he entered the room and took a quick look around…
“I don’t understand,” he said looking around the chat, “There’s nobody here—wonder where they be at?”
Then he noticed a private message waiting for him. “This might be a clue!” Jordan said with a grin…
So he opened his message and found a brief letter. It read, “Don’t move a muscle—soon you’ll feel better.”
Then suddenly a sound came from his door—he jumped in his chair wondering what was in store.
“Hello?” he asked with his hand on the knob—afraid if he opened that he might get robbed.
“It’s us!” said a chorus of female voices. Suddenly Jordan had so many choices.
“I could open the door and let them come in—but what if they’re mad and punch my beautiful chin?”
“I could open the window and jump to the ground—but what if they have spies “lurking” around?”
Jordan knew that this was a problem—he’d call Miguel but didn’t want to involve him.
“They could be angry and want to attack—they’d hurt poor Miguel and I can’t have that.”
Suddenly the door creaked—then it sprang open. A group of girls charged and one tried to grope him.
“I don’t know you!” he said to the crowd. “You’re not my girls!!” he screamed really loud…
Then he did the only thing that he knew he could do—he called the Imp’s Club but he couldn’t get through.
He screamed incoherently into the answering machine—then waited to wake from this horrible dream…
Girls were on top, to the side and below—where were their hands? He just didn’t know.
Suddenly he heard a sound above his own screams—the sound of a whip!! What could it mean?
He started to cry as he closed his eyes tight—when he opened them up he felt high as a kite.
For there before him were his girls come at last—he ran to them and just had to ask,
“How did you know I would need you tonight?”
“You sexy fool,” someone said, “your mind isn’t right.”
“You PM’d us Jordan,” said Moka with her whip. “You said you needed us because you were sick.”
“I did?” Jordan asked as he tried to remember, “You’re a little late—that was last December.”
“Well it took us awhile,” began foxxxy looking swell, “we all got hungry so we stopped by ‘the Bell’”
“Yeah,” said Ava with a cock of her head, “would you rather we showed up unannounced and un-fed?”
“Well,” began Jordan with a shrug of his shoulders, “if you’d have come sooner you’d a had what I ordered.”
“Pork chops again?” JdotRo said with a sigh.
“What’s wrong with pork chops?” Jordan asked giving her the evil eye.
“Well it appears as though you are no longer ill,” said Mi2 handing him a blue pill.
“So what is this for?” Jordan said a little confused.
“It’s for your “little” problem—it will help keep you amused.”
“But won’t you all stay? Oh please please don’t go—I need your protection—I can put on a show.”
“Oh please!” Cried Oz_Angel…we’ve had enough of that…and although we liked the single—we want our money back.”
“What’s that?” Jordan asked with his jaw on the floor. Then he watched in awe as they walked out the door.
“Why are you leaving? How can you desert me?”
“It’s easy,” said Sol as she sipped on her Slurpee.
“Please do not go—I’ll do anything just ask it!!”
“Ok,” they all said—put your sperm in this basket.
“We all want your babies!” one by one they did shout. “We’re all growing old waiting for your CD to come out.
“So we thought we would help to move things along. We’ll have your babies and they can sing your songs.”
“I don’t understand—don’t you want me to sing instead?”
“If we waited for you—we’d all be dead.”
“What if I promise to release it very soon?”
“How many times have we heard that from you?”
Jordan thought about this and looked down at the floor—he realized they were right and didn’t love him anymore.
“Don’t look so sad,” someone said to his right, “We’ll always love you because you’re Jordan Knight.”
Then the room filled with laughter as they laughed at the joke…he now understood and he felt like a dope.
“I’m sorry!!” he cried as they turned their backs to him. “OK—you were right—you all win!”
“Does this mean you’ll finally make our waiting come to an end?”
“I’ll record it tomorrow just for my friends!!!”
“Ok,” said the group as they gathered around. He smiled as they hugged him but then he heard a sound.
A creek from the door as it opened up wide—there stood a Stan—there was nowhere to hide.
Jordan screeched and flailed his arms—“They’re all out to get me and bring me great harm!”
“Shut up!” said his “real” fans as they slammed the door in Stan’s face.
Jordan stopped in his tracks and looked around the place.
“You really are my friends,” Jordan said with a sigh. Then a single tear fell from his eye.
And just as he thought that he was safe once more—there arose yet another sound at the door.
“What was that?” Jordan asked—voice barely a squeek. He stood in front of the peep hole to have himself a peek.
“It’s just some of the girls from the site—should I let them in?”
“Sure go ahead,” Moka said with a grin.
Jordan backed up to the door as they started to advance. “I don’t think I’m ready for this dance.”
As they got closer Jordan started to scream—then he woke in his bed—it was only a dream.

December 02, 2003

Sorry to all of my fans...I am investigating a story and do not know when I will return...I hope you all forgive me...My assistant--the fab Jdot will be posting more old transcripts and other fun stuff...and she'll be thinking of ways to keep the site fun and interesting/informative...

So until we meet again...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt for the JKLand Global News...

And now...as previously reported on...actual diary entries of the great Jordan Knight...

August 24, 2003

dear diary,

Today I came to a rationonilization. I think i am in love with all of the implifiers. FOXXXXXXXy exspecially. I wish She wood insult me-it really turns me on-of course so does the site of myself in my mirror-and my left hand. ANYway. I don,t know whoo eltse to talk to about this to other than you diary. Sometime I feel like you are my only friend and the only one who really understands me. Well I guess that is because you are really me and im’ just talking to myself in which case id like to say how very good looking you are. You really turn me on. And today as I was eating my cheesy chile dog with extra onions I finally understood why I never want to go to my site anymore. The cool people dont hang around as much anymore. Where arte all the implifiers?

I think I know why dandy doesn want to date me-other than the fact that I heard that she likes guys who wear womens underwears and she really doesn,t. I think I need t change my brande of dodderer--deodererâ--antiprespre-that stuff you put under your pits. Or maybe I should shower more than once a week. But really Im so lazy these days and I shouldbe saving my energy to get ready for the new tour that starts in 2008. hopefully mmy man boobies will have drooped enough that my enormous gut will hide them.

I think Im losing my hair. I found a new freckle I never knew was down there.its funny cause it kinda looks like the initials MM. kinda funny.

I caught migs checking out my ass again the other day. He said he was just checking out my assets but I think I know what he was really doing. Hes jealous cause I found these really awesome Jonathan G acid wash jeans that I used to wear back in the new kids days. They were so cool. They go really nice with my Chip N Pepper tshirt. I bought a few months ago from a guy down at quincy market. It smells like sneaker rot maybe I should wash it. The guy wearing it kinda looked like mr T but without the bling bling. And this guy was asian.

I think I was abaducked by aliens the other night cause I woke up at 5 in the afternoon and you know where was really sore. Miguel thinks aliens broke into my house and gave me a date rape drug and then probed me while I slept. All I remember is a dude who looked like migs selling viagra door to door. But this guy said he was Italian.

Well I should go now. I have a date with that stripper that ben affleck banged. She kinda reminds me of that sarah joy chick from Miami. The stripper is from Canada. Hope she likes sushi.

Talk to you soon diary. I love you . and I love the implifiers too. Don,t be jealous youl always be my numberer won.

Love porkchop-yes I do---teeeeeee heeeee heeee--never get tired o fthat joke. Man now I want a porkchop.

PS-had another ahem dream about Michael Jackson-not sure what thats all about.

------------------------------------------------------------

And now...a previous report on the JKLand Strike that we were sure had been stolen from our studios at the JKLand Global News...

Hello JKLand and welcome to this special JKLand News Hour report I'm Fanny Disturbershyt back from forced er…extended vacation¦

Our top story tonight at J.K.T.: a JKLand Strike!!

But first¦I bring you a story from the other side of JKLand; Idolville where scandals unfold and underdogs reign as kings. Due to lack of interest, Ruben Studdard’s message board at neurox.net may be shut down…insiders say that Ruben was unaware that he had a message board and was saddened that he was spending all of his time at Clay Aiken’s, who “lostâ€� to Ruben on the incredibly boring and drawn out…er…wonderful finale. When asked if there was a rivalry between them, Ruben had this to say…

“Um yeah…me and Clay…uh…you know…
we’re good friends and uh…me and Clay
don’t really care who uh…people like
more…uh…me and Clay…yeah…
we uh…we OK. Hey…do you smell barbeque?â€�

Very lively guy…

When Clay Aiken was asked the same question I didn’t really hear the answer because I was too busy staring at his giant feet…ah…but we have a clip…

“Well I don’t really see it as a rivalry…I’m
just really glad that I got as far
as I did…I kinda wish he would
stop punching me in the stomach
though…that’s getting a bit old
…for once I’d like to sucker
punch him…and see how he
likes it! But no…there’s no
rivalry between us…we’re the
best of enemies…I mean friends…
ha ha…gotcha there didn’t I?â€�

…………………………..
…………………………..
……………………………
……………………………
……………………………..
…………………………….

Ah…sorry JKLand…I am absolutely mesmerized by his feet…I mean they are simply HUGE! Wow…uh…anyway…what was I saying? Where am I? Don’t mind me…the producers are drunk…and I can’t read the prompt…does that say we have 13 minutes left? Oh it’s 130 minutes…sorry…

And now our top story…the strike at JKLand…

Early this morning it was reported to me that several fans were willing to take drastic action on the jk.com site because of the false promises that were made at the launch of the new and improved site. But since early December of last year, few changes have been made…fans still want to play the “Ultimate JK Triviaâ€� game as well as “NKOTB ‘Challenge(d)’â€� and “Miguel’s Who the Hell Cares Harvard Triviaâ€�…apparently a moronic game featuring a trip back to the 80’s with “JK Tommy’s Happy Fun Hour Triviaâ€� which apparently takes over five months to play…does Loly still hold the high score? Who the hell is Loly anyway?

I now take you behind the scenes of JKLand to the Strike HQs where JKLand’s leading lady of lascivious legend marielena is waiting on the phone…marielena? Are you there?

“Yes, I am hereâ€�

Can you tell me what the mood is right now behind Strike HQ’s doors?

“Oh we’re ready to kick some ASS!!!â€�

Ok…it has been reported that some fans are stupid enough to cross the uh…web-picket line…how do you feel about this?

“I want to kick their scab ASSES!!â€�

I see…what about the fans who are sitting on the fence regarding this issue?â€�

“I’m gonna push them off and kick their ASSES!!â€�

OK…a lot of ass kicking to take place…this should be interesting…thank you marielena…I appreciate you taking the time to speak with us…

“Oh no problem Fanny…I love your show!â€�

Thanks marielena…

“You’re welcome.â€�


And that was marielena…leader of the strike squad.


This just in…we have learned that strikers, scabs and fence sitters alike have been convening in preperation to overthrow marielena…a picture was taken by Jordan Knight as he was trying to figure out what was going on with the fans…in the picture the fans are disguised as animals to hide their identities…




Due to technical difficulties we cannot post the picture...

Amazing photography by Mr. Knight who refuses to reveal his whereabouts…

In an interview a few months ago we asked Jordan his thoughts on the constant rivalry and fighting between fans…he had this to say…

“Look at my amazing biceps!â€�

We assumed he didn’t understand the question so we asked again about his thoughts…his answer?

“Oh, I don’t have any…the fans know that…â€�

You don’t have any thoughts?

“Nope. None.â€�

OK then…big surprise there…

“Whatchu say?â€�

Uh I said, “Nice hair.â€�

“Oh thanks…yeah…I finally got rid of the dandruff…man those flakes were huge!â€�

Yes…well thanks for your time…

“Hey no problem…â€�

That’s all the time we have…tune in next time as drama unfolds and we create drama to unfold…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News…

-----------------------------------------------------





We also managed to get our hands on an epsiode of the "Jerry Springer Show" of which Jordan was once a guest...the show never aired...

JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Jordan is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Miguel. So everyone please put your hands together for Jordan!
Jerry: Okay, now Jordan you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jordan: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
Jordan: Sarah-Joy.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Sarah-Joy, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Jordan, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... sami!
Jordan: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere Jordan pulls out a dildo. sami reaches for a lamp. Out of the shadows kdgirl appears.
kdgirl: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here sami.
sami: Because I saw Jordan and kdgirl making out in Boston!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
kdgirl: That's a lie! I was home watching Sunday Night Sex Show!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem sami?
sami: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Miguel who has recently become engaged to kdgirl.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Miguel out here because Jordan had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Sarah-Joy that's right!
Miguel: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards Jordan) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Sarah-Joy! You know how I feel about Sarah-Joy!.
kdgirl: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Sarah-Joy!
Miguel: Because I knew that I could never have Sarah-Joy. But Jordan promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
kdgirl: What about respect for MY feelings!
sami walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Miguel.
sami: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
kdgirl: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
kdgirl runs across the room and wraps her arms around Jordan tightly.
kdgirl: Jordan take me away from all of this!
Jordan: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
kdgirl: Married?
Jordan nods.
kdgirl: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
Jordan: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Sarah-Joy.
Miguel: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Sarah-Joy: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 235 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Jordan is married to Sarah-Joy who Miguel has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Miguel has recently become engaged to kdgirl who was recently spotted kissing Jordan in Boston. Now on top of this sami has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Miguel.
Sarah-Joy: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.

------------------------------------------------------

And yet another classic news report...

Good evening JKLand and welcome to the JKLand News Hour…I’m Fanny Disterbershyt…

Tonight we take a look at the latest happenings around the site of the once famous former New Kid, Jordan Knight; a “manâ€� that has been the center of bad circumstance due to the lack of respect of his so-called fans. Disrespectful pictures have been posted…stories have been written implifying an assortment of heinous acts and impertinent deeds done on the part of Mr Knight himself…the question that is always on our minds is this…why doesn’t Jordan stand up for himself?

And perhaps a more important question should be asked…why haven’t there been any disrespectful pictures posted recently? Have the Implifiers packed up and left Jordan to fend for himself against the wild Stan gang and the now seemingly defunct group known as the NF’s aka Freak Nation?

Speculation aside we remind our viewers of the most recent development in Mr. Knight’s career; a new song presented to the fans entitled “Don’t Cryâ€� where Jordan bashes women who wear thongs. The lyrics also state that he wants to be someone’s daddy…authorities believe this to be an invitation to interview for a position at the brothel Jordan runs from his manager’s basement. However there has been no proof gathered to this allegation, therefore the song may be released to an unsuspecting public who’s main fear should be of their teenage daughters hopping the first Greyhound to Miami yelling “WHERE’S MY DADDY?â€� from the window. It is believed that Jordan disguises himself as Jared Leto and rides around on a scooter visiting each Greyhound station within a 1000 mile radius of the brothel operating as a bakery under the name of J.M.’s Sticky Bunz.

In other Jordan-related news, Mr. Knight took it upon himself ten months ago to write each fan a special letter telling them how he feels about them. So far, as our sources have revealed, he has written this letter,

“Yo Foxy, why you be hating? all I ever wanted wus to be a implifier. And you be all implifiying like I’m not worthy. Ok, so I’m not but you need to…ah hell…I can’t deny it anymore…I LOVE YOU FOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXy!!!!!!â€�

The letter is now in it’s final stages of editing…

A short time ago, Mr. Knight stunned fans by posting twice on the site in two days. Unfortunately, it is believed that he has forgotten his password and we may never hear from him again…

Rumors have been circulating that Mr. Knight has been involved in a homosexual relationship with Justin Timberlake…the rumor started when a jealous rage ensued after Jordan viewed a picture of MokaRicanNYC with the popstar. Sources close to JT state that Jordan yelled “JUST TIMBER ME!â€� at a recent concert. Fans state that Jordan had spotted his manager and ‘friend’ Miguel Melendez in the crowd and could not contain himself. They later were seen on the corner of Miguel BLVD and LikesItUpHisBum Lane. They were engaged in ‘conversation’…

Rumors aside, we here at JKLand News have concluded that “Don’t Cryâ€� is a kick-ass song no matter what the message or ploy. And gay, straight or whatever, Jordan is still an amazing singer, songwriter and performer…

A source close to Mr. Knight has recently disclosed to us what we believe to be the beginning stages of an Autobiogrophy…titled simply, “So What If I Can’t Spellâ€�, the book delves into the mysterious mind of the former New Kid and reveals shocking secrets from early in his career. A direct quote from Chapter One states, “I felt it touch my ass and I didn’t know what do do…I called out for help but there was nobody there. So I reached behind me and did what came natural…I ate a pice of the cake that I had sat upon—and then I served it to my manager.â€�

Shocking…simply shocking.

Other areas of the book appear to be taken directly from Mr. Knights personal Journal. I quote…

“Deer Diry…I bin fooled again. Can,t believe I bin fooled again. Someday I,ll learn that if I turn that handle, the Jack in the box will jump out and scare me so bad I pee myself. Can’t belive I bin fooled again.â€�

In other news…it is believed that Jordan has hired someone to assist him while he is trying to get dates in the chatroom. Fans believe this because, “He is so charming and funny…shiiiiit…he funny lately.â€� Jordan’s typist refused to comment.

Well we’ve come to the end of another broadcast of JKLand News Hour…hope you didn’t fall asleep…have a good evening…for JKLand News Hour…I’m Fanny Disterbershyt…goodnight.

-----------------------------------------------

Good evening JKLand and welcome to this JKLand News Brief. I’m Fanny Disturbershyt.

Earlier this evening I was called to a secret meeting with “Little Jâ€�, a supposed informant—an informant I had no previous encounters with. I was to meet this mystery man at the corner of Migs BLVD and Likesituphisbum Lane—when I arrived I was attacked from behind and forced into a black Bronco where I was blindfolded and tied.

Fortunately I brought my trusty voice recorder and managed to turn it on before I was attacked. I captured this conversation.
“Don’t struggle or I’ll tickle you so bad you be peeing myself just like Migs does when I am bad.â€�
I asked, “When who is bad?â€�
My assailant responded, “Me—jk—most dope guy in JKLand—who you think you be talking to mon?â€�
“What’s with the accent?â€� I asked.
“Oh—sorry—the chicks dig it so I thought I’d try it on you.â€�
“Are you trying to pick me up?â€�
“Isn’t that what I just did?â€�
“Dude—you just pulled me into a vehicle and tied me up—but why did you blindfold me?â€�
“So you couldn’t identrify me.â€�
“So I couldn’t what?â€�
“You be deaf or supin?â€�
“Dude—‘identrify’ is not a word.â€�
“Sure it is—just like ‘implify’.â€�
“Dude—‘implify’ is a word, ‘identrify’ is not.â€�
“I thought I had permission to make up my own words.â€�
“You thought wrong—and besides—if you didn’t want me to ‘identrify’ you you shouldn’t have told me who you are.â€�
“Oh—yeah—I gave away too much informatation.â€�
“OK—I’ve had enough.â€�

At this point, I quickly undid the bow he had tied around my wrists and removed my blindfold. His response was, “Man—Migs always gets outta my bondage too—how you do that?â€�

And then my informant told me why he called to meet me tonight. He began crying and I couldn’t understand a word he said. All I could do was nod and grunt like I understood. I began to nod off. Finally he composed himself and asked what I thought he should do about the situalation. I told him to quit the crack he was obviously smoking and go talk to his fans at the website. He said he would but as we were exiting the Bronco in front of the studio, he conveniently fell and sprained all of his fingers. Then he excused himself to go to his piano recital.

I watched the Bronco drive away with migs driving and Jordan waving like a six year old from the back of the bus on his first day of school—I saw him wipe drool from his chin as they turned the corner and out of my sight. The reason for the meeting may forever remain a mystery to me—frankly I am afraid to ever speak to the man again. In fact—I may quit my job at JKLand News if anyone ever suggests an interview with “Little Jâ€�.

In other news, we here at JKLand News have been bombarded with calls from gay men around the globe stating that Jordan yelled “Just Timber Meâ€� to them—not Justin Timberlake or Miguel Melendez. Neither JT or Migs agreed to give a statement—they just ran away in tears.

On a lighter note—the first official support group for Jordan Stans has been created by the Implifiers. The first of it’s kind, the groups intent is to brainwash the Stans into idolizing the real almighty power in the universe, the Implifiers. So far 667 Stans have willingly admitted themselves into the center—only one has been known to have survived the treatment. Apparently it takes a certain amount of cool qualities to recognize true greatness in a person. Te other 666 Stans have been sent back to where they came from.

One more story of note before we say goodnight…there will be a marathon here at JKLand to see which chatter can sustain boredom the longest. The winner will receive a date with Jordan—the ones who leave receive a pat on the back for a job well done…I think we all know who the real winners are here.

That’s all the time we have tonight because my typist has to work at her real job tomorrow and she is tired. From JKLand News to you…until next time I’m Fanny Disturbershyt. Goodnight…

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And now...a special transcript from "Fight Night in JKLand" held sometime ago...our correspondent Virdrama Lovinitall brought us the amazing fight...enjoy...

I’m Virdrama Lovinitall and this is another edition of “FIGHT NIGHT in JKLANDâ€�

Tonight we welcome to the ring Justin “JTâ€� Timberlake, and Jordan “Pork Chopâ€� Knight…they will battle to the finish in this five round match up…the prize? The coveted Jubie Award…

And now…let’s check out the action as we go into Round One…

Round one is going to be a tough start for these entertainers…each stud muffin has to stare at the other man’s crotch area without laughing…let’s see how they’re doing…

OH! It looks as though JT has won this first round…JK has once again proved to be the “smallerâ€� man…

Now we enter round two…JT is ahead by one point…

This round will be very important for Mr. Knight and we have been told by sources close to Mr Timberlake that this should be an easy victory for the former New Kid…the challenge? A staring contest between the fighters and our resident “gutter girlâ€�…let’s check out the action…

OH! And the sources were correct!! JK is now tied with JT…apparently JT could not resist the pit hair and he went HOG WILD!!!

And we’re heading into round three…in this round the players must do there best to turn on the crowd of mainly female spectators by doing what comes natural to them…looking sexy as hell! Let’s see how they are doing…

UNBELIEVABLE!! JT has won this round by a landslide!! The crowd is going nuts…they are actually booing Mr Knight…apparently Mr Knight tried to buy sexual favors from the crowd to win this point…and he has failed…we no longer have a tie…JT has a one point lead!!!

What a show so far tonight folks…unbelievable!

Round four…pleasing Moka….JK needs this point or he risks elimination in the next round…let’s see how he’s doing…

Oh and Jordan Knight has done it!!! Apparently Ms Moka prefers to wear the pants in the relationship!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen we have a tie!!!!! I can’t believe it!! One more round decides it all for these two guys!! Will they play this next round smart? …let’s go to our fifth and final round!!


The fifth and final round…the challenge this time? To work up the crowd…it’s tied ladies and gentlemen…this round will decide the fate of our hotties…let’s not hesitate any longer…let’s watch the final action between these fighters…

OH NO!!! It can’t be!!!! Mr Knight was confused by the challenge and has managed to work HIMSELF up instead of the crowd!!!

Ladies and gentlemen we have a winner!!!! Winning by one point with a final score of three to two…Mr. JUSTIN “JTâ€� TIM…BERLAKE!!!!

The crowd is going wild here at the JKLand Arena…Mr Knight has disappeared so we will not be able to get a comment at this time…

This has been an amazing match this evening ladies and gents…I leave you now…stay tuned for our next Fight Night when we watch our Ben “Mrs. Lopezâ€� Affleck and George “I Love My Pigâ€� Clooney battle it out for the love of our resident VIP JdotRO!!!!

I’m Virdrama Lovinitall for Fight Night in JKLand…thanks for tuningii n¦goodnight




December 01, 2003

JKLand Mafia Report


Original air date April 30/03




Welcome to the JKLand News Hour. I’m Fanny Disturbershyt.

Tonight we delve into the mysterious goings on of the JKLand Mafia where two mob groups have been waging war on each other for months. The strongest of the two is of course the mob known as “The Implifiers”. These genius fans have been running the show since the beginning of the site but have in the past months been repeatedly badgered by a mob gang that had once been content with their miniscule existence.

The mob goes by the name of “Freak Nation”…they are a band of twits lead by a stan-doffish fan by the name of Sistah Joy. Their only intent is to destroy the Implifiers.

Yesterday the two mobs battled once more on the issue of the now infamous man-titty scandal. It was a brutal attack as another local mob stuck it’s nose in where it didn’t belong. This mob goes by the name of the Moderators…these apparent “neutral” members have lost sight of right and wrong…the Implifiers have repeatedly pondered ways of eliminating this system of law in JKLand. Unfortunately there seems to be no way of doing this unless the JKLand King Pin himself comes out of hiding to stop the endless saga for good.

But can we trust that the King Pin’s adviser will let the turmoil stop for the residents of JKLand? We recently interviewed several mob members…the following is a transcript taken from a phone interview with members who would not reveal their names…

MOB MEMBER #1: Hey Fanny!! I’m a big fan!!

Fanny: Thank you…may I ask you questions regarding the war that is going on at the moment?

MOB MEMBER #1: Sure…you know…but I have a JT concert to go to so I don’t have much time.

Fanny: Just one question…do you think that Jordan Knight will emerge to end the struggle against the mobs and return peace to his mafia?

MOB MEMBER #1: Honestly Fanny I don’t know…I’m tired of his “Cry Me a River” stories anyways…

Fanny: Well thank you for your time.

Fanny: MOB MEMBER #2 are you there?

MOB MEMBER #2: Hi my name is Stan!!!!! OMG!!! Am “I” on the air?!!!

Fanny: Um…nice to meet you Stan but you’re not supposed to give your name.

MOB MEMBER #2: Oh “oops”!!!! *sounds of struggle* *click*

Fanny: Hello? Stan are you there? *silence* We seemed to have lost our connection. Ahem…moving on…

In other news…the now infamous man-titty scandal has taken a new turn…fans are now asking themselves, “was that Jordan Knight”?

Mr. Knight’s absenteeism from the site has set the tabloids ablaze…OK so the rest of the world doesn’t care…but …he hasn’t been around lately and frankly we want to know!!!!!

Ahem…sorry for that outburst…

We are out of time tonight…join us next time as we enter the lair of the Freak Nation…find out what Sistah Joy has been doing to sway your vote on American Idol…

Thanks for tuning in JKLand…see you next time…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

--------------------------------------------

Welcome back to the JKLand News Hour...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

This just in...the JKLand mafia group known as Freak Nation has attempted to thwart authorities by changing their name to the NF's...unfortunately they are now wanted for thirty unsolved crimes in JKLand that were committed by the group Notso Fabulous...a former copy-cat group who tried to make the Implifier name their own...the Notso Fabulous mob has been MIA for months but authorites state that they may emerge once again to avenge the theft of their name...war is likely...

This has been a JKLand News Brief...thanks for joining...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

Hello everyone...Fanny is away at the moment on an assignment so we at the JKLand Global News have decided to post transcripts from several other reports...enjoy...





Original air dates...March 26/03 to May 26/03

THE VIEWS IN THIS THREAD ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND THOSE OPPOSED WILL BE GIVEN A HEROIN ENEMA...





Welcome to the JKLand News Hour. I’m Fanny Disturbershyt.

Our top story tonight…a horrific battle between good and evil as more “disrespectful” photos of the God Jordan Knight are posted on his official website. Mr. Flight…er…I mean…Mr. Knight could not be reached yet again due to the fact that he is running for his life…

…a SPECIAL REPORT was just handed to me…oh no! It can’t be…

Sources close to Mr Knight have revealed that he does indeed have a life outside of his website…furthermore they speculate on his mental sanity due to too much time previously spent…they are concerned for his physical safety as well…

Earlier today some fans gathered in a private meeting to talk about the removal of certain features of the popular website…sources say that the false news releases are false…and should be removed…

Morale was up tonight due to the absence of the annoying stans…er…I mean fans that unfortunately also visit on a regular basis…

WAIT! This just in…another “Special” Report…Oh…am I reading this correctly? Yes…Jordan Knight is on the phone willing to give a statement…MR. Knight…can you hear me?

“Hallo?”

Mr. Knight?

“Who?”

Mr. Knight…can…you…hear…me?

“Yeah…I hear you…whatchu want?”

Mr. Knight…you called us…

“I did?”

Yes…did you want to make a statement?

“Nah man…I’m really drunk and I dialed the wrong number.”

Oh…I see…well since we have you on the phone…why don’t you make a statement anyway…

“Nah man…I can’t…I’m having a party…all the Implifiers are here and JdotRo is about to take some nude photos of me…not sure why but whatever.”

Mr. Knight? Are you…

“WHOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Mr. Knight are you OK?

“YEAH BABY YEAH!!! SHAKE THAT THING AVANTITITTY!!”

Mr. Knight…are you OK? MR. KNIGHT!! ARE YOU STILL FULLY CLOTHED?

“No way dude…gotta go…the force is strong in these lovely ladies!”

Mr Knight!!

*click*

Ladies and gentlemen…we have lost Mr. Knight to the dark side…

In other news tonight…fans are bombarded with incessant emails from Danny Wood…oh wait no…I’m sorry…we’re out of time…stay tuned tomorrow for reports from the chat room…

I’m Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News…goodnight…

------------------------------------------------

THIS JUST IN...

Certain stans have been MIA leaving many normal fans speculating...where is Jordan Knight?

Earlier this evening we were in contact with him but a recent call from the Implifier's club has confirmed our greatest fears...Jordan knight has been taken prisoner...eye witnesses spotted "da man" somewhere in the vacinity of Ontario Canada...

More later...

-------------------------------------------------

****WE INTERUPT YOUR REGULAR SCHEDULED PROGRAM WITH THIS SPECIAL REPORT****

Good evening--I'm Fanny Disturbershyt with this JKLand Hour special report...

Shocking news this evening as a video tape containing damaging evidence was unveiled at a block party in central Queens, New York...

A small man known as the "Gay Midget Porn Star" was filmed beating Jordan knight and biting him about the ankles...although the sound quality was poor we were able to make out the muffled cries of the "GMPS"...and I quote...

"NOT THE DADDY!! NOT THE DADDY!!"

More details later...

------------------------------------------------

***Friday edition of the JKLand News Hour***

Good morning JKLand...I am Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News...

Late last night we revealed a shocking video of what appeared to be a small man attacking Jordan Knight...however it has been confirmed that the small man in question is in fact the son of one of our very own chatters here at JKLand...she is one Moka Disturberpro...she is actually a distant relative to me...

Reports came in early this morning from several hospitals in the area of multiple Jordan KNight impersonators who were afflicted with the same wounds as the victim in last night's shocking video...which leaves us with many questions...was the man in the video in deed Mr Jordan Knight and if not where is he?

Moka Disturberpro could not be reached for comment...

This is all the news we have at this time...more details as they emerge...thanks for tuning in--I'm Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News...have a good day...

---------------------------------------------------------

***JKLand News Break***

Good evening once again JKLand...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

Looks as though we are in for a quiet weekend as fans with lives set out to live them...

In other news...oh sorry out of time...check back later for updates...

------------------------------------------------------

***JKLand News Hour***

Welcome everyone to another edition of the JKLand News Hour…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

Our top story today…

Jordan Knight is still missing however several fans have admitted that the man in question has sent them private messages…the truth of these statements reflects on the individuals themselves…unfortunately each fan has refused to give out their name so we have no way of knowing if the statements were false…only they will know…

In recent developments another photo has emerged showing Mr. Knight in a rather tight position with his manager…unfortunately we are unable to show this photo due to it’s sensitive subject matter…but you can view it in that special place…hint, hint…wink, wink…

JKLand officials are expecting a large turnout tomorrow on the site when some idiot will probably bump every post Jordan has ever made confusing hundreds into thinking that he has been posting recently…stupid people will then leave messages on said threads asking Mr. Knight to join them in chat because they really, really, really….really, really need to tell him something.

The game room opened an eon ago and introduced one game to the JKLand VIP members…the game “JK_Tommy’s Happy Fun Hour Trivia” will only show your first score…it is believed that people are still trying to beat their hi-score and are becoming confused as to why they are not getting any better…they have finally admitted to themselves that they will always be inferior to the chatter “LOLY” whoever the hell that is…

Other games are set to open… “Ultimate JK Trivia”, “NKOTB Challenge”, and “Who the Hell cares about Miguel’s Harvard Trivia”…they will be opening as soon as Hell freezes over…which will coincidently be the same time that Jordan’s new CD will be released…

In other news fans have compiled a list of uses for Mr. Knight’s CD single that was released early in December of 2002…uses that topped the list were…
1. coaster
2. Frizbee for throwing at chatters you don’t like
3. Ice Scraper (submitted by a Canadian who apparently has snow all year round)
4. For burning “cool songs” onto.
5. Last but not least… the most important of all…using as a mirror to put on mascara or lipstick…

***SPECIAL REPORT***

This just in…but has been known for months…VIP Status is not all that it is cracked up to be…

Well we are out of time for today…see you all again next time on the JKLand News Hour…have a good afternoon…

---------------------------------------------------------


Live from WonderLand Battlefield,

I am Alistaria Crane, up to my old tricks again, I have misteriously stolen Fanny Disturbershittie's mask, for a very important announcement.

At the Moliscious Queen Contest, after the shocking Mole Elimination, there is about to happen something as major as that as well...

At this time of the day, we are able to fully predict that one of the queens will be eliminated in an impromtu round during the course of the day.

Keep following this event in the moliscious thread of ours, now I gotta go because Fanny is coming back!!!!!


----------------------------------------------------

**JKLand SPECIAL REPORT**

F*ck off!!

Details later...

------------------------------------------------

I'm better now...

-------------------------------------------------

***JKLand News Hour***

Welcome once again…I am Fanny Disturbershyt…

It was a quiet weekend here at JKLand once again but something did happen that some fans found quite amusing…a chatter known simply as "mrcaring18" entered the chatroom claiming to be a spy for Jordan Knight….obviously this person is a crack addict to believe that any of the normal chatters would believe this person actually reported back to Mr. Knight…

By the way…does anyone have twenty bucks I can borrow? Never mind…just give me twenty dollars you skanky ho…

In other news…a VIP member of JKLand has been arrested for her involvement in an underground Smurf Porn operation…the chatter who cannot be named had only one comment as her lawyer whisked her away from reporters late Saturday night…but due to censor laws we cannot repeat what she said…

It is rumored that Bill Cosby and the Power Puff Girls put up her bail…

On a personal note I now have an allergy to coffee and pug faced dogs when they are in the same vicinity…

And once again…our top story for tonight…

Jordan Knight is still missing….and reports that he’d been seen in Ontario Canada may have been false…apparently a stan…er…fan called our hotline and claimed that she’d seen Mr. Knight in the bushes outside her bedroom window…but when police arrived to investigate they found a blow-up doll with a Jordan Knight mask on it’s head…as well as a ticket stub for Greyhound Bus services dated for December of 2002…

Our hotline has received many calls asking us if we had any leads…we have explained that the hotline is for people to give us information…not for jealous boyfriends who have been cheated on by girlfriends who have had sex with Jordan Knight…which is a lot because he is a god…BA HA HA HA HA….oh my…I’m sorry…tried to read that with a straight face and couldn’t…anyway….

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Jordan Knight please call us at 617-462-4633…oh I’m sorry that is Mr. Knight’s personal home number…call 617-434-7246…operators are standing by…and you can buy a copy of “Tender Love” by dialing the number backwards…

We are out of time this evening…please join us next time on the JKLand News Hour…good night…

----------------------------------------------

***JKLand SPECIAL REPORT***

I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

Chatters are filled with shock and awe as Marielena, aka sami, aka...ah hell there are too many to name...declared war on mrcaring18...check out the chat room for live coverage...

MOre later...

------------------------------------------------------------

***JKLand News Brief***

Welcome...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...back from vacation...

Some insightful news tonight... I have discovered the hidden lair of a JKLand chatter...I followed the unidentified stan after receiving a shocking phone call from one of my Imp…portant sources late Thursday night…my source claimed to know the whereabouts of one mrcaring18…the same chatter who claimed to be a spy for Jordan Knight…

mrcaring18 who cannot be identified due to rule # 101 205 459 entered a Toronto subway station and boarded a train…I followed him to a broken down house on the corner of Miguel Blvd and Likes It Up His Bum Lane…the house in question looked like the same house that was once used as a brothel that employed an unidentified tramp known as “gutter girl”…I was prepared to enter the house but felt I could serve the world better by burning it to the ground…

This has been a JKLand News Brief…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…stay tuned for your local weather next…

-----------------------------------------

Good evening JKLand and welcome to the JKLand News Hour…once again…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

Some recent developments lately on Jordan Knight’s official site…there have been several new fans signing up hoping to speak with their idol Jordan Knight…however…other fans are speculating the real identities of these so called “newbies”…and the question of the day asked by long time fan SJ is, “How come I don’t have a decoder ring?”

Well “SJ”…I am pretty sure there are no decoder rings…but you should PM Jordan and ask him just to be safe…

In other news…mrcaring18 is still making himself known as an employee of Jordan Knight…again fans speculate whether or not he is a stan in disguise…all I can say about that is… “Where the hell are the men with the little white jackets when you need them?”

That’s all we have time for tonight…thanks for joining us…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News…

***JKLand News Hour…Friday Edition***

Good eveing JKlanders and welcome to the Friday edition of JKLand News…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

For the past few weeks we have been following the trail of a missing icon… super pop sensation Jordan Knight…several scenarios have been studied closely to attempt to find the whereabouts of the man shown on an ad for a Herpes medication…

…he is Jordan Knight… the envy of every man on the planet…because he alone has the ingredient for a secret elixir that casts a spell over millions of women the world over…

Mr Knight has been seen on several occasions with a woman simply known as “gutter girl” --she has been the topic of conversation in chatrooms around the globe…it is believed that she was the last living soul to have actual contact with Mr. Knight…making her a valuable asset in this bizarre investigation…

And a recently broadcasted boxing match between Mr. Knight and the irrepressible Justin Timberlake is now believed to have been pre-recorded by the culprits suspected of involvement in his disappearance…

The promoter of the fight…Mr Timberlake’s fake wife…refused to comment on the possibility that the fight was rigged…

And again…authorities found themselves in Ontario, Canada…the place where this whole thing started…a famous pop star…a new solo career…an innocent fan? We’d let you be the judge of that but her Daddy won’t let her come out and play…that is a direct quote…

And even more shocking in this case is the most recent development…is Jordan Knight insane? Startling evidence suggests that he could never really sing…that he is in fact a mad genius intent on taking over the world one gullible stan at a time… …

No…I take that back…I think he’s tied up in someone’s basement…

That’s all the time we have for tonight…tune in next time as we follow up with this shocking story…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News…goodnight….