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JKLand Global News

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December 01, 2003

Hello everyone...Fanny is away at the moment on an assignment so we at the JKLand Global News have decided to post transcripts from several other reports...enjoy...





Original air dates...March 26/03 to May 26/03

THE VIEWS IN THIS THREAD ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND THOSE OPPOSED WILL BE GIVEN A HEROIN ENEMA...





Welcome to the JKLand News Hour. I’m Fanny Disturbershyt.

Our top story tonight…a horrific battle between good and evil as more “disrespectful” photos of the God Jordan Knight are posted on his official website. Mr. Flight…er…I mean…Mr. Knight could not be reached yet again due to the fact that he is running for his life…

…a SPECIAL REPORT was just handed to me…oh no! It can’t be…

Sources close to Mr Knight have revealed that he does indeed have a life outside of his website…furthermore they speculate on his mental sanity due to too much time previously spent…they are concerned for his physical safety as well…

Earlier today some fans gathered in a private meeting to talk about the removal of certain features of the popular website…sources say that the false news releases are false…and should be removed…

Morale was up tonight due to the absence of the annoying stans…er…I mean fans that unfortunately also visit on a regular basis…

WAIT! This just in…another “Special” Report…Oh…am I reading this correctly? Yes…Jordan Knight is on the phone willing to give a statement…MR. Knight…can you hear me?

“Hallo?”

Mr. Knight?

“Who?”

Mr. Knight…can…you…hear…me?

“Yeah…I hear you…whatchu want?”

Mr. Knight…you called us…

“I did?”

Yes…did you want to make a statement?

“Nah man…I’m really drunk and I dialed the wrong number.”

Oh…I see…well since we have you on the phone…why don’t you make a statement anyway…

“Nah man…I can’t…I’m having a party…all the Implifiers are here and JdotRo is about to take some nude photos of me…not sure why but whatever.”

Mr. Knight? Are you…

“WHOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Mr. Knight are you OK?

“YEAH BABY YEAH!!! SHAKE THAT THING AVANTITITTY!!”

Mr. Knight…are you OK? MR. KNIGHT!! ARE YOU STILL FULLY CLOTHED?

“No way dude…gotta go…the force is strong in these lovely ladies!”

Mr Knight!!

*click*

Ladies and gentlemen…we have lost Mr. Knight to the dark side…

In other news tonight…fans are bombarded with incessant emails from Danny Wood…oh wait no…I’m sorry…we’re out of time…stay tuned tomorrow for reports from the chat room…

I’m Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News…goodnight…

------------------------------------------------

THIS JUST IN...

Certain stans have been MIA leaving many normal fans speculating...where is Jordan Knight?

Earlier this evening we were in contact with him but a recent call from the Implifier's club has confirmed our greatest fears...Jordan knight has been taken prisoner...eye witnesses spotted "da man" somewhere in the vacinity of Ontario Canada...

More later...

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****WE INTERUPT YOUR REGULAR SCHEDULED PROGRAM WITH THIS SPECIAL REPORT****

Good evening--I'm Fanny Disturbershyt with this JKLand Hour special report...

Shocking news this evening as a video tape containing damaging evidence was unveiled at a block party in central Queens, New York...

A small man known as the "Gay Midget Porn Star" was filmed beating Jordan knight and biting him about the ankles...although the sound quality was poor we were able to make out the muffled cries of the "GMPS"...and I quote...

"NOT THE DADDY!! NOT THE DADDY!!"

More details later...

------------------------------------------------

***Friday edition of the JKLand News Hour***

Good morning JKLand...I am Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News...

Late last night we revealed a shocking video of what appeared to be a small man attacking Jordan Knight...however it has been confirmed that the small man in question is in fact the son of one of our very own chatters here at JKLand...she is one Moka Disturberpro...she is actually a distant relative to me...

Reports came in early this morning from several hospitals in the area of multiple Jordan KNight impersonators who were afflicted with the same wounds as the victim in last night's shocking video...which leaves us with many questions...was the man in the video in deed Mr Jordan Knight and if not where is he?

Moka Disturberpro could not be reached for comment...

This is all the news we have at this time...more details as they emerge...thanks for tuning in--I'm Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News...have a good day...

---------------------------------------------------------

***JKLand News Break***

Good evening once again JKLand...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

Looks as though we are in for a quiet weekend as fans with lives set out to live them...

In other news...oh sorry out of time...check back later for updates...

------------------------------------------------------

***JKLand News Hour***

Welcome everyone to another edition of the JKLand News Hour…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

Our top story today…

Jordan Knight is still missing however several fans have admitted that the man in question has sent them private messages…the truth of these statements reflects on the individuals themselves…unfortunately each fan has refused to give out their name so we have no way of knowing if the statements were false…only they will know…

In recent developments another photo has emerged showing Mr. Knight in a rather tight position with his manager…unfortunately we are unable to show this photo due to it’s sensitive subject matter…but you can view it in that special place…hint, hint…wink, wink…

JKLand officials are expecting a large turnout tomorrow on the site when some idiot will probably bump every post Jordan has ever made confusing hundreds into thinking that he has been posting recently…stupid people will then leave messages on said threads asking Mr. Knight to join them in chat because they really, really, really….really, really need to tell him something.

The game room opened an eon ago and introduced one game to the JKLand VIP members…the game “JK_Tommy’s Happy Fun Hour Trivia” will only show your first score…it is believed that people are still trying to beat their hi-score and are becoming confused as to why they are not getting any better…they have finally admitted to themselves that they will always be inferior to the chatter “LOLY” whoever the hell that is…

Other games are set to open… “Ultimate JK Trivia”, “NKOTB Challenge”, and “Who the Hell cares about Miguel’s Harvard Trivia”…they will be opening as soon as Hell freezes over…which will coincidently be the same time that Jordan’s new CD will be released…

In other news fans have compiled a list of uses for Mr. Knight’s CD single that was released early in December of 2002…uses that topped the list were…
1. coaster
2. Frizbee for throwing at chatters you don’t like
3. Ice Scraper (submitted by a Canadian who apparently has snow all year round)
4. For burning “cool songs” onto.
5. Last but not least… the most important of all…using as a mirror to put on mascara or lipstick…

***SPECIAL REPORT***

This just in…but has been known for months…VIP Status is not all that it is cracked up to be…

Well we are out of time for today…see you all again next time on the JKLand News Hour…have a good afternoon…

---------------------------------------------------------


Live from WonderLand Battlefield,

I am Alistaria Crane, up to my old tricks again, I have misteriously stolen Fanny Disturbershittie's mask, for a very important announcement.

At the Moliscious Queen Contest, after the shocking Mole Elimination, there is about to happen something as major as that as well...

At this time of the day, we are able to fully predict that one of the queens will be eliminated in an impromtu round during the course of the day.

Keep following this event in the moliscious thread of ours, now I gotta go because Fanny is coming back!!!!!


----------------------------------------------------

**JKLand SPECIAL REPORT**

F*ck off!!

Details later...

------------------------------------------------

I'm better now...

-------------------------------------------------

***JKLand News Hour***

Welcome once again…I am Fanny Disturbershyt…

It was a quiet weekend here at JKLand once again but something did happen that some fans found quite amusing…a chatter known simply as "mrcaring18" entered the chatroom claiming to be a spy for Jordan Knight….obviously this person is a crack addict to believe that any of the normal chatters would believe this person actually reported back to Mr. Knight…

By the way…does anyone have twenty bucks I can borrow? Never mind…just give me twenty dollars you skanky ho…

In other news…a VIP member of JKLand has been arrested for her involvement in an underground Smurf Porn operation…the chatter who cannot be named had only one comment as her lawyer whisked her away from reporters late Saturday night…but due to censor laws we cannot repeat what she said…

It is rumored that Bill Cosby and the Power Puff Girls put up her bail…

On a personal note I now have an allergy to coffee and pug faced dogs when they are in the same vicinity…

And once again…our top story for tonight…

Jordan Knight is still missing….and reports that he’d been seen in Ontario Canada may have been false…apparently a stan…er…fan called our hotline and claimed that she’d seen Mr. Knight in the bushes outside her bedroom window…but when police arrived to investigate they found a blow-up doll with a Jordan Knight mask on it’s head…as well as a ticket stub for Greyhound Bus services dated for December of 2002…

Our hotline has received many calls asking us if we had any leads…we have explained that the hotline is for people to give us information…not for jealous boyfriends who have been cheated on by girlfriends who have had sex with Jordan Knight…which is a lot because he is a god…BA HA HA HA HA….oh my…I’m sorry…tried to read that with a straight face and couldn’t…anyway….

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Jordan Knight please call us at 617-462-4633…oh I’m sorry that is Mr. Knight’s personal home number…call 617-434-7246…operators are standing by…and you can buy a copy of “Tender Love” by dialing the number backwards…

We are out of time this evening…please join us next time on the JKLand News Hour…good night…

----------------------------------------------

***JKLand SPECIAL REPORT***

I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

Chatters are filled with shock and awe as Marielena, aka sami, aka...ah hell there are too many to name...declared war on mrcaring18...check out the chat room for live coverage...

MOre later...

------------------------------------------------------------

***JKLand News Brief***

Welcome...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...back from vacation...

Some insightful news tonight... I have discovered the hidden lair of a JKLand chatter...I followed the unidentified stan after receiving a shocking phone call from one of my Imp…portant sources late Thursday night…my source claimed to know the whereabouts of one mrcaring18…the same chatter who claimed to be a spy for Jordan Knight…

mrcaring18 who cannot be identified due to rule # 101 205 459 entered a Toronto subway station and boarded a train…I followed him to a broken down house on the corner of Miguel Blvd and Likes It Up His Bum Lane…the house in question looked like the same house that was once used as a brothel that employed an unidentified tramp known as “gutter girl”…I was prepared to enter the house but felt I could serve the world better by burning it to the ground…

This has been a JKLand News Brief…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…stay tuned for your local weather next…

-----------------------------------------

Good evening JKLand and welcome to the JKLand News Hour…once again…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

Some recent developments lately on Jordan Knight’s official site…there have been several new fans signing up hoping to speak with their idol Jordan Knight…however…other fans are speculating the real identities of these so called “newbies”…and the question of the day asked by long time fan SJ is, “How come I don’t have a decoder ring?”

Well “SJ”…I am pretty sure there are no decoder rings…but you should PM Jordan and ask him just to be safe…

In other news…mrcaring18 is still making himself known as an employee of Jordan Knight…again fans speculate whether or not he is a stan in disguise…all I can say about that is… “Where the hell are the men with the little white jackets when you need them?”

That’s all we have time for tonight…thanks for joining us…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News…

***JKLand News Hour…Friday Edition***

Good eveing JKlanders and welcome to the Friday edition of JKLand News…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt…

For the past few weeks we have been following the trail of a missing icon… super pop sensation Jordan Knight…several scenarios have been studied closely to attempt to find the whereabouts of the man shown on an ad for a Herpes medication…

…he is Jordan Knight… the envy of every man on the planet…because he alone has the ingredient for a secret elixir that casts a spell over millions of women the world over…

Mr Knight has been seen on several occasions with a woman simply known as “gutter girl” --she has been the topic of conversation in chatrooms around the globe…it is believed that she was the last living soul to have actual contact with Mr. Knight…making her a valuable asset in this bizarre investigation…

And a recently broadcasted boxing match between Mr. Knight and the irrepressible Justin Timberlake is now believed to have been pre-recorded by the culprits suspected of involvement in his disappearance…

The promoter of the fight…Mr Timberlake’s fake wife…refused to comment on the possibility that the fight was rigged…

And again…authorities found themselves in Ontario, Canada…the place where this whole thing started…a famous pop star…a new solo career…an innocent fan? We’d let you be the judge of that but her Daddy won’t let her come out and play…that is a direct quote…

And even more shocking in this case is the most recent development…is Jordan Knight insane? Startling evidence suggests that he could never really sing…that he is in fact a mad genius intent on taking over the world one gullible stan at a time… …

No…I take that back…I think he’s tied up in someone’s basement…

That’s all the time we have for tonight…tune in next time as we follow up with this shocking story…I’m Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand News…goodnight….



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