Good evening ladies and gents and Jordan...welcome to another edition of the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

I mentioned in my previous report that Jordan Knight is in love with me. I have received numerous emails from him and he sent this photo to me today...



He has told me that he decided to name his man titties after his most recent heros...no not Bert and Ernie...he has named them Cheech and Chong...and he wants to know when they can play with Thelma and Louise...evidently he was spying on me during my recent sexual encounter with George Clooney...

I have contacted the police...I am thinking about filing harassment charges against the "man"...


In other news, a group of former Stans were spotted loitering outside of the newly reopened 'Implifier's Club'...the moment they tried to enter, the Implifiers pommled the crowd with Jordan's month old crusty thongs he has been trying to sell on his steadily sinking website. It is believed that Jordan himself killed three fans with one thong...no wait...I'm sorry--that information must be incorrect because Jordan throws like a girl...

Later that evening the surviving Stans were seen holding a candlelight vigil at the site of the thonging...today in a public address, President Bush announced that Jordan Knight would be his new weapons specialist...autopsy reports later revealed that the Stans died from smothering due to a toxic substance called 'L'Eau D'Knightgaunch'...and their bodies showed signs of rashing about the mouth and nose areas...


And finally...our dreams may come true...Jordan Knight will not be releasing the "New Kids Remix Album"...and if I may say so...THANK GOD!! I mean come ON! What a horrible idea...and those songs were just treaturous...my ears bled for hours after listening to that shiite! Oh...I just got a message from the station manager...Jordan Knight WILL be releasing the remix album...apparently he won't be releasing his 2nd solo attempt that he has been promising for years...

Oh well...look at it this way...they can use the remix album to torture Sadam Hussein...

And across the border at a local "Taco Bell" we caught up with Mr. Knight and asked him about the upcoming album...but he had just eaten seven bean burritos and was having....trouble....holding the conversation...ultimately he left the table and ran to the bathroom but we managed to get a quote from him before he ran off...when we asked what he thought of the finished product he responded...


This is terrible!! What the HELL was I thinking...biggest mistake I ever made and I just know I'm going to pay for it...

It was at that point that he tured green and made a run for the bathroom...so we've proved once again that Jordan isn't as stupid as we sometimes think he is...except when it comes to eating too many bean burritos...

Well that's all we have time for tonight...tune in next time for another edition of the JKLand Global News....I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

Good morning JKLand and welcome to another edition of the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

I come to you this morning with shocking news...Jordan Knight is in love with me...yes you heard correctly...I received the following email this morning....






From : Jordan Bollas
Sent : Saturday, January 10, 2004 5:55 AM
To : fanny_disturbershyt@hotmail.com
Subject : Can,t live widout ewe!!!!11

| | | Inbox


Deer sweaty pie,
i love yor nasty remarcks yo make adoubt me. if i could have won wish it would be these. to love you and yo to live my enormous pickle.

i know you like my man tittie but i am sore to say that i hve ben working out so i look realy hot now.

I wrote to Satan at christmas and aksed for him to brink me my sweaty pie but all i got was a sponge cake. i thionk he was tring to tell me that our itme is not now. but i known we'll be together soon.

by for now
your'e sweaty,
porkychops

I am both shocked and appalled at this email...in fact I barfed in my oatmeal when I read it...I passed out on the way to work thinking about it and even now as I sit here I feel faint.....just...........thi........



...um....this is Buck Asswipe...the station manager here at the JKLand Global News...we ah....seem to ah........we're haveing technical problems....yeah that's it....so ah....tune in next time to the JKLand Global News......

.....Fanny? You ok?

Good evening JKLand and welcome to another edition of the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturberhyt...

One word comes to mind as I enter the jk.com site that once thrived...ok...so I can think of a lot of words and I promise you that none of them are pleasant...

Not only has the number of fans logging on every day dropped significantly, the message board itself moves at the pace of a turtle with a hangover...I have it on good authority that this has been deliberate action to attempt to weed out the bad apples from teh rest of the bunch. The result? The bad apples have left--yes Jordan Knight--your plan was a success and once again we confirm that you are in fact a flaming retard. The so called "bad apples" have formed an alliance--formerly known as "The Implifiers", this new group is more fierc and unified than ever before...they have a new name that remains unknown to this reporter. OK--so that's a lie...I know their name but out of complete repect for my new friends I have sworn an oath of secrecy...perhaps they will make me an honorary member some day...I can only hope...

And continuing with the traditional downfalls of jk.com, they have now come up with the idea to sell Jordan Knight merchandise. The most popular line of merchandise has been the JK C-Thong...unsuspecting buyers have been buying the thongs by the dozens--each one costing no less than a Jordan Knight coaster--I mean CD single...families of fans have been going hungry due to this new fetish that fans have been coerced into adapting...

We now take you live to the jk.com headquarters where our roving correspondent Frank A. P. Rick has been investigating a possible security breach within the confines of Jordan Knights crusty thong...

Good evening Mr. p...Rick.



Fuck me! Fanny! How are you?



I'm great...and how are you Frank besides frank?



Laughing my fucking ass off at these stupid mother.......




We seem to be having some technical problems...perhaps we'll speak to the prick, I mean Frank a little later on...or maybe we'll get lucky and he'll get killed by a pack of wild stans...

In other news tonight...oh no I'm sorry that's all we have time for...

See you all next time on the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

Good morning JKLand and welcome to this New Year's edition of the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

It would seem that Jordan Knight's career is indeed headed for the shit pile. Recently, samples have been posted on the Empire Music Werks site, sampling Mr. Knight's tribute to the group that made him famous. In one word....horrendous...if this is indeed a tribute to NKOTB, Mr. Knight must think of them as a joke--a laughing stock. He apparently recorded the album after a night of drinking and toking...his voice is strained and some songs sound as though Chad had given him an atomic wedgie prior to recording them....

And worst news yet--it is rumored that JK has plans to release another remix album...this time in tribute to his favourite artists...the following is an excert from one of the songs that will appear on the album--don't worry--this isnot a sound sample...I wouldn't do that to my loyal viewers...

Baby Got Nuts

oh my God, Chad
look at his nuts
They look so rotten,
They look like one of those N’Sync guys nuts.
but u know who understands those guys
they only eat those nuts becuz they came from Saks 5th Ave
ok i mean those nuts...
They’re just so dry

I like mixed nuts and I cannot lie
other nut freaks can't deny
when a guy walks in with a can of mixed nuts
and a wheel of stinky cheese I get sprung
want to pull up tough
cuz u noticed those nuts were salted
Roasted in an oven in Boston
im hooked and I can't help watching
oh baby I want your nuts
I likem when they’re in my guts
my homeboys tryed 2 warn me
but those mixed nuts make me horny
ooooooo make me faint
When I see a peanut with a hat and cane
well use this clutz use me cuz u ain't that average can of nuts
I seen him shaking it
to hell with faking it
They salty
Don’t want no maltese
They got it going like a coffee bean
im tired of magazines
seenin dry nuts are the thing
cuz the average nut freak ask him why
His nuts can’t be dry
so fellas
YAH!
fellas
YAH!
cuz ur friends all got nuts
HELL YAH!
shake it
yah
shake it
yah
shake that can of Planters

baby got Nuts

baby got Nuts


I like them round and big
and when Im throwing a gig
I just can't help myself
I'm acting like an animal
now here's my scandal
I wanna get them home and
uh
double up
uh uh
I ain't talking bout playboy
those dry nuts are made for little boys
I want them real fresh and salty
so find that salty can
JK is a nut lovin man
so Im looking at commercials
knocking these Planters
u can keep those dry ones
I keep my nuts like wet-ones
a word to the fresh salted Planters
i wanna shake ya
i won't cuss or spit cha
i gotta be straight when I say
I wanna chew to the break of dawn
These nuts got it going on
nut haters won't like this song
cuz those punks like to chew and spit it
and I'd rather stay and play

so ladies
YAH!
ladies
YAH!
so u wanna sample my nuts?
Hell YAH!
so turn around
Shake em up
even nut haters got 2 shout


baby got Nuts

baby got Nuts


Fortunately that is as much as we are willing to report on this new album...I am now suffering from nut induced nightmares...

That is all the time we have for now JKLand...tune in next time to the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!