Sorry to all of my fans...I am investigating a story and do not know when I will return...I hope you all forgive me...My assistant--the fab Jdot will be posting more old transcripts and other fun stuff...and she'll be thinking of ways to keep the site fun and interesting/informative...
So until we meet again...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt for the JKLand Global News...
And now...as previously reported on...actual diary entries of the great Jordan Knight...
August 24, 2003
dear diary,
Today I came to a rationonilization. I think i am in love with all of the implifiers. FOXXXXXXXy exspecially. I wish She wood insult me-it really turns me on-of course so does the site of myself in my mirror-and my left hand. ANYway. I don,t know whoo eltse to talk to about this to other than you diary. Sometime I feel like you are my only friend and the only one who really understands me. Well I guess that is because you are really me and imâ just talking to myself in which case id like to say how very good looking you are. You really turn me on. And today as I was eating my cheesy chile dog with extra onions I finally understood why I never want to go to my site anymore. The cool people dont hang around as much anymore. Where arte all the implifiers?
I think I know why dandy doesn want to date me-other than the fact that I heard that she likes guys who wear womens underwears and she really doesn,t. I think I need t change my brande of dodderer--deodererâ--antiprespre-that stuff you put under your pits. Or maybe I should shower more than once a week. But really Im so lazy these days and I shouldbe saving my energy to get ready for the new tour that starts in 2008. hopefully mmy man boobies will have drooped enough that my enormous gut will hide them.
I think Im losing my hair. I found a new freckle I never knew was down there.its funny cause it kinda looks like the initials MM. kinda funny.
I caught migs checking out my ass again the other day. He said he was just checking out my assets but I think I know what he was really doing. Hes jealous cause I found these really awesome Jonathan G acid wash jeans that I used to wear back in the new kids days. They were so cool. They go really nice with my Chip N Pepper tshirt. I bought a few months ago from a guy down at quincy market. It smells like sneaker rot maybe I should wash it. The guy wearing it kinda looked like mr T but without the bling bling. And this guy was asian.
I think I was abaducked by aliens the other night cause I woke up at 5 in the afternoon and you know where was really sore. Miguel thinks aliens broke into my house and gave me a date rape drug and then probed me while I slept. All I remember is a dude who looked like migs selling viagra door to door. But this guy said he was Italian.
Well I should go now. I have a date with that stripper that ben affleck banged. She kinda reminds me of that sarah joy chick from Miami. The stripper is from Canada. Hope she likes sushi.
Talk to you soon diary. I love you . and I love the implifiers too. Don,t be jealous youl always be my numberer won.
Love porkchop-yes I do---teeeeeee heeeee heeee--never get tired o fthat joke. Man now I want a porkchop.
PS-had another ahem dream about Michael Jackson-not sure what thats all about.
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And now...a previous report on the JKLand Strike that we were sure had been stolen from our studios at the JKLand Global News...
Hello JKLand and welcome to this special JKLand News Hour report I'm Fanny Disturbershyt back from forced erâ¦extended vacation¦
Our top story tonight at J.K.T.: a JKLand Strike!!
But first¦I bring you a story from the other side of JKLand; Idolville where scandals unfold and underdogs reign as kings. Due to lack of interest, Ruben StuddardâÂÂs message board at neurox.net may be shut downâ¦insiders say that Ruben was unaware that he had a message board and was saddened that he was spending all of his time at Clay AikenâÂÂs, who âÂÂlostâÂ� to Ruben on the incredibly boring and drawn outâ¦erâ¦wonderful finale. When asked if there was a rivalry between them, Ruben had this to sayâ¦
âÂÂUm yeahâ¦me and Clayâ¦uhâ¦you knowâ¦
weâÂÂre good friends and uhâ¦me and Clay
donâÂÂt really care who uhâ¦people like
moreâ¦uhâ¦me and Clayâ¦yeahâ¦
we uhâ¦we OK. Heyâ¦do you smell barbeque?âÂ�
Very lively guyâ¦
When Clay Aiken was asked the same question I didnâÂÂt really hear the answer because I was too busy staring at his giant feetâ¦ahâ¦but we have a clipâ¦
âÂÂWell I donâÂÂt really see it as a rivalryâ¦IâÂÂm
just really glad that I got as far
as I didâ¦I kinda wish he would
stop punching me in the stomach
thoughâ¦thatâÂÂs getting a bit old
â¦for once IâÂÂd like to sucker
punch himâ¦and see how he
likes it! But noâ¦thereâÂÂs no
rivalry between usâ¦weâÂÂre the
best of enemiesâ¦I mean friendsâ¦
ha haâ¦gotcha there didnâÂÂt I?âÂ�
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦.
Ahâ¦sorry JKLandâ¦I am absolutely mesmerized by his feetâ¦I mean they are simply HUGE! Wowâ¦uhâ¦anywayâ¦what was I saying? Where am I? DonâÂÂt mind meâ¦the producers are drunkâ¦and I canâÂÂt read the promptâ¦does that say we have 13 minutes left? Oh itâÂÂs 130 minutesâ¦sorryâ¦
And now our top storyâ¦the strike at JKLandâ¦
Early this morning it was reported to me that several fans were willing to take drastic action on the jk.com site because of the false promises that were made at the launch of the new and improved site. But since early December of last year, few changes have been madeâ¦fans still want to play the âÂÂUltimate JK TriviaâÂ� game as well as âÂÂNKOTB âÂÂChallenge(d)âÂÂâÂ� and âÂÂMiguelâÂÂs Who the Hell Cares Harvard TriviaâÂ�â¦apparently a moronic game featuring a trip back to the 80âÂÂs with âÂÂJK TommyâÂÂs Happy Fun Hour TriviaâÂ� which apparently takes over five months to playâ¦does Loly still hold the high score? Who the hell is Loly anyway?
I now take you behind the scenes of JKLand to the Strike HQs where JKLandâÂÂs leading lady of lascivious legend marielena is waiting on the phoneâ¦marielena? Are you there?
âÂÂYes, I am hereâÂ�
Can you tell me what the mood is right now behind Strike HQâÂÂs doors?
âÂÂOh weâÂÂre ready to kick some ASS!!!âÂ�
Okâ¦it has been reported that some fans are stupid enough to cross the uhâ¦web-picket lineâ¦how do you feel about this?
âÂÂI want to kick their scab ASSES!!âÂ�
I seeâ¦what about the fans who are sitting on the fence regarding this issue?âÂ�
âÂÂIâÂÂm gonna push them off and kick their ASSES!!âÂ�
OKâ¦a lot of ass kicking to take placeâ¦this should be interestingâ¦thank you marielenaâ¦I appreciate you taking the time to speak with usâ¦
âÂÂOh no problem Fannyâ¦I love your show!âÂ�
Thanks marielenaâ¦
âÂÂYouâÂÂre welcome.âÂ�
And that was marielenaâ¦leader of the strike squad.
This just inâ¦we have learned that strikers, scabs and fence sitters alike have been convening in preperation to overthrow marielenaâ¦a picture was taken by Jordan Knight as he was trying to figure out what was going on with the fansâ¦in the picture the fans are disguised as animals to hide their identitiesâ¦
Due to technical difficulties we cannot post the picture...
Amazing photography by Mr. Knight who refuses to reveal his whereaboutsâ¦
In an interview a few months ago we asked Jordan his thoughts on the constant rivalry and fighting between fansâ¦he had this to sayâ¦
âÂÂLook at my amazing biceps!âÂ�
We assumed he didnâÂÂt understand the question so we asked again about his thoughtsâ¦his answer?
âÂÂOh, I donâÂÂt have anyâ¦the fans know thatâ¦âÂ�
You donâÂÂt have any thoughts?
âÂÂNope. None.âÂ�
OK thenâ¦big surprise thereâ¦
âÂÂWhatchu say?âÂ�
Uh I said, âÂÂNice hair.âÂ�
âÂÂOh thanksâ¦yeahâ¦I finally got rid of the dandruffâ¦man those flakes were huge!âÂ�
Yesâ¦well thanks for your timeâ¦
âÂÂHey no problemâ¦âÂ�
ThatâÂÂs all the time we haveâ¦tune in next time as drama unfolds and we create drama to unfoldâ¦IâÂÂm Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand Newsâ¦
-----------------------------------------------------
We also managed to get our hands on an epsiode of the "Jerry Springer Show" of which Jordan was once a guest...the show never aired...
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Jordan is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Miguel. So everyone please put your hands together for Jordan!
Jerry: Okay, now Jordan you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jordan: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
Jordan: Sarah-Joy.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Sarah-Joy, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Jordan, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... sami!
Jordan: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere Jordan pulls out a dildo. sami reaches for a lamp. Out of the shadows kdgirl appears.
kdgirl: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here sami.
sami: Because I saw Jordan and kdgirl making out in Boston!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
kdgirl: That's a lie! I was home watching Sunday Night Sex Show!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem sami?
sami: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Miguel who has recently become engaged to kdgirl.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Miguel out here because Jordan had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Sarah-Joy that's right!
Miguel: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards Jordan) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Sarah-Joy! You know how I feel about Sarah-Joy!.
kdgirl: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Sarah-Joy!
Miguel: Because I knew that I could never have Sarah-Joy. But Jordan promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
kdgirl: What about respect for MY feelings!
sami walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Miguel.
sami: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
kdgirl: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
kdgirl runs across the room and wraps her arms around Jordan tightly.
kdgirl: Jordan take me away from all of this!
Jordan: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
kdgirl: Married?
Jordan nods.
kdgirl: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
Jordan: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Sarah-Joy.
Miguel: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Sarah-Joy: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 235 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Jordan is married to Sarah-Joy who Miguel has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Miguel has recently become engaged to kdgirl who was recently spotted kissing Jordan in Boston. Now on top of this sami has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Miguel.
Sarah-Joy: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
------------------------------------------------------
And yet another classic news report...
Good evening JKLand and welcome to the JKLand News Hourâ¦IâÂÂm Fanny Disterbershytâ¦
Tonight we take a look at the latest happenings around the site of the once famous former New Kid, Jordan Knight; a âÂÂmanâÂ� that has been the center of bad circumstance due to the lack of respect of his so-called fans. Disrespectful pictures have been postedâ¦stories have been written implifying an assortment of heinous acts and impertinent deeds done on the part of Mr Knight himselfâ¦the question that is always on our minds is thisâ¦why doesnâÂÂt Jordan stand up for himself?
And perhaps a more important question should be askedâ¦why havenâÂÂt there been any disrespectful pictures posted recently? Have the Implifiers packed up and left Jordan to fend for himself against the wild Stan gang and the now seemingly defunct group known as the NFâÂÂs aka Freak Nation?
Speculation aside we remind our viewers of the most recent development in Mr. KnightâÂÂs career; a new song presented to the fans entitled âÂÂDonâÂÂt CryâÂ� where Jordan bashes women who wear thongs. The lyrics also state that he wants to be someoneâÂÂs daddyâ¦authorities believe this to be an invitation to interview for a position at the brothel Jordan runs from his managerâÂÂs basement. However there has been no proof gathered to this allegation, therefore the song may be released to an unsuspecting public whoâÂÂs main fear should be of their teenage daughters hopping the first Greyhound to Miami yelling âÂÂWHEREâÂÂS MY DADDY?âÂ� from the window. It is believed that Jordan disguises himself as Jared Leto and rides around on a scooter visiting each Greyhound station within a 1000 mile radius of the brothel operating as a bakery under the name of J.M.âÂÂs Sticky Bunz.
In other Jordan-related news, Mr. Knight took it upon himself ten months ago to write each fan a special letter telling them how he feels about them. So far, as our sources have revealed, he has written this letter,
âÂÂYo Foxy, why you be hating? all I ever wanted wus to be a implifier. And you be all implifiying like IâÂÂm not worthy. Ok, so IâÂÂm not but you need toâ¦ah hellâ¦I canâÂÂt deny it anymoreâ¦I LOVE YOU FOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXy!!!!!!âÂ�
The letter is now in itâÂÂs final stages of editingâ¦
A short time ago, Mr. Knight stunned fans by posting twice on the site in two days. Unfortunately, it is believed that he has forgotten his password and we may never hear from him againâ¦
Rumors have been circulating that Mr. Knight has been involved in a homosexual relationship with Justin Timberlakeâ¦the rumor started when a jealous rage ensued after Jordan viewed a picture of MokaRicanNYC with the popstar. Sources close to JT state that Jordan yelled âÂÂJUST TIMBER ME!âÂ� at a recent concert. Fans state that Jordan had spotted his manager and âÂÂfriendâ Miguel Melendez in the crowd and could not contain himself. They later were seen on the corner of Miguel BLVD and LikesItUpHisBum Lane. They were engaged in âÂÂconversationâÂÂâ¦
Rumors aside, we here at JKLand News have concluded that âÂÂDonâÂÂt CryâÂ� is a kick-ass song no matter what the message or ploy. And gay, straight or whatever, Jordan is still an amazing singer, songwriter and performerâ¦
A source close to Mr. Knight has recently disclosed to us what we believe to be the beginning stages of an Autobiogrophyâ¦titled simply, âÂÂSo What If I CanâÂÂt SpellâÂ�, the book delves into the mysterious mind of the former New Kid and reveals shocking secrets from early in his career. A direct quote from Chapter One states, âÂÂI felt it touch my ass and I didnâÂÂt know what do doâ¦I called out for help but there was nobody there. So I reached behind me and did what came naturalâ¦I ate a pice of the cake that I had sat uponâÂÂand then I served it to my manager.âÂ�
Shockingâ¦simply shocking.
Other areas of the book appear to be taken directly from Mr. Knights personal Journal. I quoteâ¦
âÂÂDeer Diryâ¦I bin fooled again. Can,t believe I bin fooled again. Someday I,ll learn that if I turn that handle, the Jack in the box will jump out and scare me so bad I pee myself. CanâÂÂt belive I bin fooled again.âÂ�
In other newsâ¦it is believed that Jordan has hired someone to assist him while he is trying to get dates in the chatroom. Fans believe this because, âÂÂHe is so charming and funnyâ¦shiiiiitâ¦he funny lately.âÂ� JordanâÂÂs typist refused to comment.
Well weâÂÂve come to the end of another broadcast of JKLand News Hourâ¦hope you didnâÂÂt fall asleepâ¦have a good eveningâ¦for JKLand News Hourâ¦IâÂÂm Fanny Disterbershytâ¦goodnight.
-----------------------------------------------
Good evening JKLand and welcome to this JKLand News Brief. IâÂÂm Fanny Disturbershyt.
Earlier this evening I was called to a secret meeting with âÂÂLittle JâÂ�, a supposed informantâÂÂan informant I had no previous encounters with. I was to meet this mystery man at the corner of Migs BLVD and Likesituphisbum LaneâÂÂwhen I arrived I was attacked from behind and forced into a black Bronco where I was blindfolded and tied.
Fortunately I brought my trusty voice recorder and managed to turn it on before I was attacked. I captured this conversation.
âÂÂDonâÂÂt struggle or IâÂÂll tickle you so bad you be peeing myself just like Migs does when I am bad.âÂ�
I asked, âÂÂWhen who is bad?âÂ�
My assailant responded, âÂÂMeâÂÂjkâÂÂmost dope guy in JKLandâÂÂwho you think you be talking to mon?âÂ�
âÂÂWhatâÂÂs with the accent?âÂ� I asked.
âÂÂOhâÂÂsorryâÂÂthe chicks dig it so I thought IâÂÂd try it on you.âÂ�
âÂÂAre you trying to pick me up?âÂ�
âÂÂIsnâÂÂt that what I just did?âÂ�
âÂÂDudeâÂÂyou just pulled me into a vehicle and tied me upâÂÂbut why did you blindfold me?âÂ�
âÂÂSo you couldnâÂÂt identrify me.âÂ�
âÂÂSo I couldnâÂÂt what?âÂ�
âÂÂYou be deaf or supin?âÂ�
âÂÂDudeâÂÂâÂÂidentrifyâ is not a word.âÂ�
âÂÂSure it isâÂÂjust like âÂÂimplifyâÂÂ.âÂ�
âÂÂDudeâÂÂâÂÂimplifyâ is a word, âÂÂidentrifyâ is not.âÂ�
âÂÂI thought I had permission to make up my own words.âÂ�
âÂÂYou thought wrongâÂÂand besidesâÂÂif you didnâÂÂt want me to âÂÂidentrifyâ you you shouldnâÂÂt have told me who you are.âÂ�
âÂÂOhâÂÂyeahâÂÂI gave away too much informatation.âÂ�
âÂÂOKâÂÂIâÂÂve had enough.âÂ�
At this point, I quickly undid the bow he had tied around my wrists and removed my blindfold. His response was, âÂÂManâÂÂMigs always gets outta my bondage tooâÂÂhow you do that?âÂ�
And then my informant told me why he called to meet me tonight. He began crying and I couldnâÂÂt understand a word he said. All I could do was nod and grunt like I understood. I began to nod off. Finally he composed himself and asked what I thought he should do about the situalation. I told him to quit the crack he was obviously smoking and go talk to his fans at the website. He said he would but as we were exiting the Bronco in front of the studio, he conveniently fell and sprained all of his fingers. Then he excused himself to go to his piano recital.
I watched the Bronco drive away with migs driving and Jordan waving like a six year old from the back of the bus on his first day of schoolâÂÂI saw him wipe drool from his chin as they turned the corner and out of my sight. The reason for the meeting may forever remain a mystery to meâÂÂfrankly I am afraid to ever speak to the man again. In factâÂÂI may quit my job at JKLand News if anyone ever suggests an interview with âÂÂLittle JâÂ�.
In other news, we here at JKLand News have been bombarded with calls from gay men around the globe stating that Jordan yelled âÂÂJust Timber MeâÂ� to themâÂÂnot Justin Timberlake or Miguel Melendez. Neither JT or Migs agreed to give a statementâÂÂthey just ran away in tears.
On a lighter noteâÂÂthe first official support group for Jordan Stans has been created by the Implifiers. The first of itâÂÂs kind, the groups intent is to brainwash the Stans into idolizing the real almighty power in the universe, the Implifiers. So far 667 Stans have willingly admitted themselves into the centerâÂÂonly one has been known to have survived the treatment. Apparently it takes a certain amount of cool qualities to recognize true greatness in a person. Te other 666 Stans have been sent back to where they came from.
One more story of note before we say goodnightâ¦there will be a marathon here at JKLand to see which chatter can sustain boredom the longest. The winner will receive a date with JordanâÂÂthe ones who leave receive a pat on the back for a job well doneâ¦I think we all know who the real winners are here.
ThatâÂÂs all the time we have tonight because my typist has to work at her real job tomorrow and she is tired. From JKLand News to youâ¦until next time IâÂÂm Fanny Disturbershyt. Goodnightâ¦
---------------------------------------------------
And now...a special transcript from "Fight Night in JKLand" held sometime ago...our correspondent Virdrama Lovinitall brought us the amazing fight...enjoy...
IâÂÂm Virdrama Lovinitall and this is another edition of âÂÂFIGHT NIGHT in JKLANDâÂ�
Tonight we welcome to the ring Justin âÂÂJTâÂ� Timberlake, and Jordan âÂÂPork ChopâÂ� Knightâ¦they will battle to the finish in this five round match upâ¦the prize? The coveted Jubie Awardâ¦
And nowâ¦letâÂÂs check out the action as we go into Round Oneâ¦
Round one is going to be a tough start for these entertainersâ¦each stud muffin has to stare at the other manâÂÂs crotch area without laughingâ¦letâÂÂs see how theyâÂÂre doingâ¦
OH! It looks as though JT has won this first roundâ¦JK has once again proved to be the âÂÂsmallerâÂ� manâ¦
Now we enter round twoâ¦JT is ahead by one pointâ¦
This round will be very important for Mr. Knight and we have been told by sources close to Mr Timberlake that this should be an easy victory for the former New Kidâ¦the challenge? A staring contest between the fighters and our resident âÂÂgutter girlâÂ�â¦letâÂÂs check out the actionâ¦
OH! And the sources were correct!! JK is now tied with JTâ¦apparently JT could not resist the pit hair and he went HOG WILD!!!
And weâÂÂre heading into round threeâ¦in this round the players must do there best to turn on the crowd of mainly female spectators by doing what comes natural to themâ¦looking sexy as hell! LetâÂÂs see how they are doingâ¦
UNBELIEVABLE!! JT has won this round by a landslide!! The crowd is going nutsâ¦they are actually booing Mr Knightâ¦apparently Mr Knight tried to buy sexual favors from the crowd to win this pointâ¦and he has failedâ¦we no longer have a tieâ¦JT has a one point lead!!!
What a show so far tonight folksâ¦unbelievable!
Round fourâ¦pleasing Mokaâ¦.JK needs this point or he risks elimination in the next roundâ¦letâÂÂs see how heâÂÂs doingâ¦
Oh and Jordan Knight has done it!!! Apparently Ms Moka prefers to wear the pants in the relationship!!!! I CANâÂÂT BELIEVE IT!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen we have a tie!!!!! I canâÂÂt believe it!! One more round decides it all for these two guys!! Will they play this next round smart? â¦letâÂÂs go to our fifth and final round!!
The fifth and final roundâ¦the challenge this time? To work up the crowdâ¦itâÂÂs tied ladies and gentlemenâ¦this round will decide the fate of our hottiesâ¦letâÂÂs not hesitate any longerâ¦letâÂÂs watch the final action between these fightersâ¦
OH NO!!! It canâÂÂt be!!!! Mr Knight was confused by the challenge and has managed to work HIMSELF up instead of the crowd!!!
Ladies and gentlemen we have a winner!!!! Winning by one point with a final score of three to twoâ¦Mr. JUSTIN âÂÂJTâÂ� TIMâ¦BERLAKE!!!!
The crowd is going wild here at the JKLand Arenaâ¦Mr Knight has disappeared so we will not be able to get a comment at this timeâ¦
This has been an amazing match this evening ladies and gentsâ¦I leave you nowâ¦stay tuned for our next Fight Night when we watch our Ben âÂÂMrs. LopezâÂ� Affleck and George âÂÂI Love My PigâÂ� Clooney battle it out for the love of our resident VIP JdotRO!!!!
IâÂÂm Virdrama Lovinitall for Fight Night in JKLandâ¦thanks for tuningii n¦goodnight
So until we meet again...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt for the JKLand Global News...
And now...as previously reported on...actual diary entries of the great Jordan Knight...
August 24, 2003
dear diary,
Today I came to a rationonilization. I think i am in love with all of the implifiers. FOXXXXXXXy exspecially. I wish She wood insult me-it really turns me on-of course so does the site of myself in my mirror-and my left hand. ANYway. I don,t know whoo eltse to talk to about this to other than you diary. Sometime I feel like you are my only friend and the only one who really understands me. Well I guess that is because you are really me and imâ just talking to myself in which case id like to say how very good looking you are. You really turn me on. And today as I was eating my cheesy chile dog with extra onions I finally understood why I never want to go to my site anymore. The cool people dont hang around as much anymore. Where arte all the implifiers?
I think I know why dandy doesn want to date me-other than the fact that I heard that she likes guys who wear womens underwears and she really doesn,t. I think I need t change my brande of dodderer--deodererâ--antiprespre-that stuff you put under your pits. Or maybe I should shower more than once a week. But really Im so lazy these days and I shouldbe saving my energy to get ready for the new tour that starts in 2008. hopefully mmy man boobies will have drooped enough that my enormous gut will hide them.
I think Im losing my hair. I found a new freckle I never knew was down there.its funny cause it kinda looks like the initials MM. kinda funny.
I caught migs checking out my ass again the other day. He said he was just checking out my assets but I think I know what he was really doing. Hes jealous cause I found these really awesome Jonathan G acid wash jeans that I used to wear back in the new kids days. They were so cool. They go really nice with my Chip N Pepper tshirt. I bought a few months ago from a guy down at quincy market. It smells like sneaker rot maybe I should wash it. The guy wearing it kinda looked like mr T but without the bling bling. And this guy was asian.
I think I was abaducked by aliens the other night cause I woke up at 5 in the afternoon and you know where was really sore. Miguel thinks aliens broke into my house and gave me a date rape drug and then probed me while I slept. All I remember is a dude who looked like migs selling viagra door to door. But this guy said he was Italian.
Well I should go now. I have a date with that stripper that ben affleck banged. She kinda reminds me of that sarah joy chick from Miami. The stripper is from Canada. Hope she likes sushi.
Talk to you soon diary. I love you . and I love the implifiers too. Don,t be jealous youl always be my numberer won.
Love porkchop-yes I do---teeeeeee heeeee heeee--never get tired o fthat joke. Man now I want a porkchop.
PS-had another ahem dream about Michael Jackson-not sure what thats all about.
------------------------------------------------------------
And now...a previous report on the JKLand Strike that we were sure had been stolen from our studios at the JKLand Global News...
Hello JKLand and welcome to this special JKLand News Hour report I'm Fanny Disturbershyt back from forced erâ¦extended vacation¦
Our top story tonight at J.K.T.: a JKLand Strike!!
But first¦I bring you a story from the other side of JKLand; Idolville where scandals unfold and underdogs reign as kings. Due to lack of interest, Ruben StuddardâÂÂs message board at neurox.net may be shut downâ¦insiders say that Ruben was unaware that he had a message board and was saddened that he was spending all of his time at Clay AikenâÂÂs, who âÂÂlostâÂ� to Ruben on the incredibly boring and drawn outâ¦erâ¦wonderful finale. When asked if there was a rivalry between them, Ruben had this to sayâ¦
âÂÂUm yeahâ¦me and Clayâ¦uhâ¦you knowâ¦
weâÂÂre good friends and uhâ¦me and Clay
donâÂÂt really care who uhâ¦people like
moreâ¦uhâ¦me and Clayâ¦yeahâ¦
we uhâ¦we OK. Heyâ¦do you smell barbeque?âÂ�
Very lively guyâ¦
When Clay Aiken was asked the same question I didnâÂÂt really hear the answer because I was too busy staring at his giant feetâ¦ahâ¦but we have a clipâ¦
âÂÂWell I donâÂÂt really see it as a rivalryâ¦IâÂÂm
just really glad that I got as far
as I didâ¦I kinda wish he would
stop punching me in the stomach
thoughâ¦thatâÂÂs getting a bit old
â¦for once IâÂÂd like to sucker
punch himâ¦and see how he
likes it! But noâ¦thereâÂÂs no
rivalry between usâ¦weâÂÂre the
best of enemiesâ¦I mean friendsâ¦
ha haâ¦gotcha there didnâÂÂt I?âÂ�
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..
â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦.
Ahâ¦sorry JKLandâ¦I am absolutely mesmerized by his feetâ¦I mean they are simply HUGE! Wowâ¦uhâ¦anywayâ¦what was I saying? Where am I? DonâÂÂt mind meâ¦the producers are drunkâ¦and I canâÂÂt read the promptâ¦does that say we have 13 minutes left? Oh itâÂÂs 130 minutesâ¦sorryâ¦
And now our top storyâ¦the strike at JKLandâ¦
Early this morning it was reported to me that several fans were willing to take drastic action on the jk.com site because of the false promises that were made at the launch of the new and improved site. But since early December of last year, few changes have been madeâ¦fans still want to play the âÂÂUltimate JK TriviaâÂ� game as well as âÂÂNKOTB âÂÂChallenge(d)âÂÂâÂ� and âÂÂMiguelâÂÂs Who the Hell Cares Harvard TriviaâÂ�â¦apparently a moronic game featuring a trip back to the 80âÂÂs with âÂÂJK TommyâÂÂs Happy Fun Hour TriviaâÂ� which apparently takes over five months to playâ¦does Loly still hold the high score? Who the hell is Loly anyway?
I now take you behind the scenes of JKLand to the Strike HQs where JKLandâÂÂs leading lady of lascivious legend marielena is waiting on the phoneâ¦marielena? Are you there?
âÂÂYes, I am hereâÂ�
Can you tell me what the mood is right now behind Strike HQâÂÂs doors?
âÂÂOh weâÂÂre ready to kick some ASS!!!âÂ�
Okâ¦it has been reported that some fans are stupid enough to cross the uhâ¦web-picket lineâ¦how do you feel about this?
âÂÂI want to kick their scab ASSES!!âÂ�
I seeâ¦what about the fans who are sitting on the fence regarding this issue?âÂ�
âÂÂIâÂÂm gonna push them off and kick their ASSES!!âÂ�
OKâ¦a lot of ass kicking to take placeâ¦this should be interestingâ¦thank you marielenaâ¦I appreciate you taking the time to speak with usâ¦
âÂÂOh no problem Fannyâ¦I love your show!âÂ�
Thanks marielenaâ¦
âÂÂYouâÂÂre welcome.âÂ�
And that was marielenaâ¦leader of the strike squad.
This just inâ¦we have learned that strikers, scabs and fence sitters alike have been convening in preperation to overthrow marielenaâ¦a picture was taken by Jordan Knight as he was trying to figure out what was going on with the fansâ¦in the picture the fans are disguised as animals to hide their identitiesâ¦
Due to technical difficulties we cannot post the picture...
Amazing photography by Mr. Knight who refuses to reveal his whereaboutsâ¦
In an interview a few months ago we asked Jordan his thoughts on the constant rivalry and fighting between fansâ¦he had this to sayâ¦
âÂÂLook at my amazing biceps!âÂ�
We assumed he didnâÂÂt understand the question so we asked again about his thoughtsâ¦his answer?
âÂÂOh, I donâÂÂt have anyâ¦the fans know thatâ¦âÂ�
You donâÂÂt have any thoughts?
âÂÂNope. None.âÂ�
OK thenâ¦big surprise thereâ¦
âÂÂWhatchu say?âÂ�
Uh I said, âÂÂNice hair.âÂ�
âÂÂOh thanksâ¦yeahâ¦I finally got rid of the dandruffâ¦man those flakes were huge!âÂ�
Yesâ¦well thanks for your timeâ¦
âÂÂHey no problemâ¦âÂ�
ThatâÂÂs all the time we haveâ¦tune in next time as drama unfolds and we create drama to unfoldâ¦IâÂÂm Fanny Disturbershyt for JKLand Newsâ¦
-----------------------------------------------------
We also managed to get our hands on an epsiode of the "Jerry Springer Show" of which Jordan was once a guest...the show never aired...
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Jordan is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Miguel. So everyone please put your hands together for Jordan!
Jerry: Okay, now Jordan you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jordan: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
Jordan: Sarah-Joy.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Sarah-Joy, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Jordan, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... sami!
Jordan: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere Jordan pulls out a dildo. sami reaches for a lamp. Out of the shadows kdgirl appears.
kdgirl: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here sami.
sami: Because I saw Jordan and kdgirl making out in Boston!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
kdgirl: That's a lie! I was home watching Sunday Night Sex Show!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem sami?
sami: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Miguel who has recently become engaged to kdgirl.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Miguel out here because Jordan had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Sarah-Joy that's right!
Miguel: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards Jordan) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Sarah-Joy! You know how I feel about Sarah-Joy!.
kdgirl: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Sarah-Joy!
Miguel: Because I knew that I could never have Sarah-Joy. But Jordan promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
kdgirl: What about respect for MY feelings!
sami walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Miguel.
sami: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
kdgirl: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
kdgirl runs across the room and wraps her arms around Jordan tightly.
kdgirl: Jordan take me away from all of this!
Jordan: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
kdgirl: Married?
Jordan nods.
kdgirl: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
Jordan: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Sarah-Joy.
Miguel: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Sarah-Joy: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 235 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Jordan is married to Sarah-Joy who Miguel has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Miguel has recently become engaged to kdgirl who was recently spotted kissing Jordan in Boston. Now on top of this sami has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Miguel.
Sarah-Joy: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
------------------------------------------------------
And yet another classic news report...
Good evening JKLand and welcome to the JKLand News Hourâ¦IâÂÂm Fanny Disterbershytâ¦
Tonight we take a look at the latest happenings around the site of the once famous former New Kid, Jordan Knight; a âÂÂmanâÂ� that has been the center of bad circumstance due to the lack of respect of his so-called fans. Disrespectful pictures have been postedâ¦stories have been written implifying an assortment of heinous acts and impertinent deeds done on the part of Mr Knight himselfâ¦the question that is always on our minds is thisâ¦why doesnâÂÂt Jordan stand up for himself?
And perhaps a more important question should be askedâ¦why havenâÂÂt there been any disrespectful pictures posted recently? Have the Implifiers packed up and left Jordan to fend for himself against the wild Stan gang and the now seemingly defunct group known as the NFâÂÂs aka Freak Nation?
Speculation aside we remind our viewers of the most recent development in Mr. KnightâÂÂs career; a new song presented to the fans entitled âÂÂDonâÂÂt CryâÂ� where Jordan bashes women who wear thongs. The lyrics also state that he wants to be someoneâÂÂs daddyâ¦authorities believe this to be an invitation to interview for a position at the brothel Jordan runs from his managerâÂÂs basement. However there has been no proof gathered to this allegation, therefore the song may be released to an unsuspecting public whoâÂÂs main fear should be of their teenage daughters hopping the first Greyhound to Miami yelling âÂÂWHEREâÂÂS MY DADDY?âÂ� from the window. It is believed that Jordan disguises himself as Jared Leto and rides around on a scooter visiting each Greyhound station within a 1000 mile radius of the brothel operating as a bakery under the name of J.M.âÂÂs Sticky Bunz.
In other Jordan-related news, Mr. Knight took it upon himself ten months ago to write each fan a special letter telling them how he feels about them. So far, as our sources have revealed, he has written this letter,
âÂÂYo Foxy, why you be hating? all I ever wanted wus to be a implifier. And you be all implifiying like IâÂÂm not worthy. Ok, so IâÂÂm not but you need toâ¦ah hellâ¦I canâÂÂt deny it anymoreâ¦I LOVE YOU FOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXy!!!!!!âÂ�
The letter is now in itâÂÂs final stages of editingâ¦
A short time ago, Mr. Knight stunned fans by posting twice on the site in two days. Unfortunately, it is believed that he has forgotten his password and we may never hear from him againâ¦
Rumors have been circulating that Mr. Knight has been involved in a homosexual relationship with Justin Timberlakeâ¦the rumor started when a jealous rage ensued after Jordan viewed a picture of MokaRicanNYC with the popstar. Sources close to JT state that Jordan yelled âÂÂJUST TIMBER ME!âÂ� at a recent concert. Fans state that Jordan had spotted his manager and âÂÂfriendâ Miguel Melendez in the crowd and could not contain himself. They later were seen on the corner of Miguel BLVD and LikesItUpHisBum Lane. They were engaged in âÂÂconversationâÂÂâ¦
Rumors aside, we here at JKLand News have concluded that âÂÂDonâÂÂt CryâÂ� is a kick-ass song no matter what the message or ploy. And gay, straight or whatever, Jordan is still an amazing singer, songwriter and performerâ¦
A source close to Mr. Knight has recently disclosed to us what we believe to be the beginning stages of an Autobiogrophyâ¦titled simply, âÂÂSo What If I CanâÂÂt SpellâÂ�, the book delves into the mysterious mind of the former New Kid and reveals shocking secrets from early in his career. A direct quote from Chapter One states, âÂÂI felt it touch my ass and I didnâÂÂt know what do doâ¦I called out for help but there was nobody there. So I reached behind me and did what came naturalâ¦I ate a pice of the cake that I had sat uponâÂÂand then I served it to my manager.âÂ�
Shockingâ¦simply shocking.
Other areas of the book appear to be taken directly from Mr. Knights personal Journal. I quoteâ¦
âÂÂDeer Diryâ¦I bin fooled again. Can,t believe I bin fooled again. Someday I,ll learn that if I turn that handle, the Jack in the box will jump out and scare me so bad I pee myself. CanâÂÂt belive I bin fooled again.âÂ�
In other newsâ¦it is believed that Jordan has hired someone to assist him while he is trying to get dates in the chatroom. Fans believe this because, âÂÂHe is so charming and funnyâ¦shiiiiitâ¦he funny lately.âÂ� JordanâÂÂs typist refused to comment.
Well weâÂÂve come to the end of another broadcast of JKLand News Hourâ¦hope you didnâÂÂt fall asleepâ¦have a good eveningâ¦for JKLand News Hourâ¦IâÂÂm Fanny Disterbershytâ¦goodnight.
-----------------------------------------------
Good evening JKLand and welcome to this JKLand News Brief. IâÂÂm Fanny Disturbershyt.
Earlier this evening I was called to a secret meeting with âÂÂLittle JâÂ�, a supposed informantâÂÂan informant I had no previous encounters with. I was to meet this mystery man at the corner of Migs BLVD and Likesituphisbum LaneâÂÂwhen I arrived I was attacked from behind and forced into a black Bronco where I was blindfolded and tied.
Fortunately I brought my trusty voice recorder and managed to turn it on before I was attacked. I captured this conversation.
âÂÂDonâÂÂt struggle or IâÂÂll tickle you so bad you be peeing myself just like Migs does when I am bad.âÂ�
I asked, âÂÂWhen who is bad?âÂ�
My assailant responded, âÂÂMeâÂÂjkâÂÂmost dope guy in JKLandâÂÂwho you think you be talking to mon?âÂ�
âÂÂWhatâÂÂs with the accent?âÂ� I asked.
âÂÂOhâÂÂsorryâÂÂthe chicks dig it so I thought IâÂÂd try it on you.âÂ�
âÂÂAre you trying to pick me up?âÂ�
âÂÂIsnâÂÂt that what I just did?âÂ�
âÂÂDudeâÂÂyou just pulled me into a vehicle and tied me upâÂÂbut why did you blindfold me?âÂ�
âÂÂSo you couldnâÂÂt identrify me.âÂ�
âÂÂSo I couldnâÂÂt what?âÂ�
âÂÂYou be deaf or supin?âÂ�
âÂÂDudeâÂÂâÂÂidentrifyâ is not a word.âÂ�
âÂÂSure it isâÂÂjust like âÂÂimplifyâÂÂ.âÂ�
âÂÂDudeâÂÂâÂÂimplifyâ is a word, âÂÂidentrifyâ is not.âÂ�
âÂÂI thought I had permission to make up my own words.âÂ�
âÂÂYou thought wrongâÂÂand besidesâÂÂif you didnâÂÂt want me to âÂÂidentrifyâ you you shouldnâÂÂt have told me who you are.âÂ�
âÂÂOhâÂÂyeahâÂÂI gave away too much informatation.âÂ�
âÂÂOKâÂÂIâÂÂve had enough.âÂ�
At this point, I quickly undid the bow he had tied around my wrists and removed my blindfold. His response was, âÂÂManâÂÂMigs always gets outta my bondage tooâÂÂhow you do that?âÂ�
And then my informant told me why he called to meet me tonight. He began crying and I couldnâÂÂt understand a word he said. All I could do was nod and grunt like I understood. I began to nod off. Finally he composed himself and asked what I thought he should do about the situalation. I told him to quit the crack he was obviously smoking and go talk to his fans at the website. He said he would but as we were exiting the Bronco in front of the studio, he conveniently fell and sprained all of his fingers. Then he excused himself to go to his piano recital.
I watched the Bronco drive away with migs driving and Jordan waving like a six year old from the back of the bus on his first day of schoolâÂÂI saw him wipe drool from his chin as they turned the corner and out of my sight. The reason for the meeting may forever remain a mystery to meâÂÂfrankly I am afraid to ever speak to the man again. In factâÂÂI may quit my job at JKLand News if anyone ever suggests an interview with âÂÂLittle JâÂ�.
In other news, we here at JKLand News have been bombarded with calls from gay men around the globe stating that Jordan yelled âÂÂJust Timber MeâÂ� to themâÂÂnot Justin Timberlake or Miguel Melendez. Neither JT or Migs agreed to give a statementâÂÂthey just ran away in tears.
On a lighter noteâÂÂthe first official support group for Jordan Stans has been created by the Implifiers. The first of itâÂÂs kind, the groups intent is to brainwash the Stans into idolizing the real almighty power in the universe, the Implifiers. So far 667 Stans have willingly admitted themselves into the centerâÂÂonly one has been known to have survived the treatment. Apparently it takes a certain amount of cool qualities to recognize true greatness in a person. Te other 666 Stans have been sent back to where they came from.
One more story of note before we say goodnightâ¦there will be a marathon here at JKLand to see which chatter can sustain boredom the longest. The winner will receive a date with JordanâÂÂthe ones who leave receive a pat on the back for a job well doneâ¦I think we all know who the real winners are here.
ThatâÂÂs all the time we have tonight because my typist has to work at her real job tomorrow and she is tired. From JKLand News to youâ¦until next time IâÂÂm Fanny Disturbershyt. Goodnightâ¦
---------------------------------------------------
And now...a special transcript from "Fight Night in JKLand" held sometime ago...our correspondent Virdrama Lovinitall brought us the amazing fight...enjoy...
IâÂÂm Virdrama Lovinitall and this is another edition of âÂÂFIGHT NIGHT in JKLANDâÂ�
Tonight we welcome to the ring Justin âÂÂJTâÂ� Timberlake, and Jordan âÂÂPork ChopâÂ� Knightâ¦they will battle to the finish in this five round match upâ¦the prize? The coveted Jubie Awardâ¦
And nowâ¦letâÂÂs check out the action as we go into Round Oneâ¦
Round one is going to be a tough start for these entertainersâ¦each stud muffin has to stare at the other manâÂÂs crotch area without laughingâ¦letâÂÂs see how theyâÂÂre doingâ¦
OH! It looks as though JT has won this first roundâ¦JK has once again proved to be the âÂÂsmallerâÂ� manâ¦
Now we enter round twoâ¦JT is ahead by one pointâ¦
This round will be very important for Mr. Knight and we have been told by sources close to Mr Timberlake that this should be an easy victory for the former New Kidâ¦the challenge? A staring contest between the fighters and our resident âÂÂgutter girlâÂ�â¦letâÂÂs check out the actionâ¦
OH! And the sources were correct!! JK is now tied with JTâ¦apparently JT could not resist the pit hair and he went HOG WILD!!!
And weâÂÂre heading into round threeâ¦in this round the players must do there best to turn on the crowd of mainly female spectators by doing what comes natural to themâ¦looking sexy as hell! LetâÂÂs see how they are doingâ¦
UNBELIEVABLE!! JT has won this round by a landslide!! The crowd is going nutsâ¦they are actually booing Mr Knightâ¦apparently Mr Knight tried to buy sexual favors from the crowd to win this pointâ¦and he has failedâ¦we no longer have a tieâ¦JT has a one point lead!!!
What a show so far tonight folksâ¦unbelievable!
Round fourâ¦pleasing Mokaâ¦.JK needs this point or he risks elimination in the next roundâ¦letâÂÂs see how heâÂÂs doingâ¦
Oh and Jordan Knight has done it!!! Apparently Ms Moka prefers to wear the pants in the relationship!!!! I CANâÂÂT BELIEVE IT!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen we have a tie!!!!! I canâÂÂt believe it!! One more round decides it all for these two guys!! Will they play this next round smart? â¦letâÂÂs go to our fifth and final round!!
The fifth and final roundâ¦the challenge this time? To work up the crowdâ¦itâÂÂs tied ladies and gentlemenâ¦this round will decide the fate of our hottiesâ¦letâÂÂs not hesitate any longerâ¦letâÂÂs watch the final action between these fightersâ¦
OH NO!!! It canâÂÂt be!!!! Mr Knight was confused by the challenge and has managed to work HIMSELF up instead of the crowd!!!
Ladies and gentlemen we have a winner!!!! Winning by one point with a final score of three to twoâ¦Mr. JUSTIN âÂÂJTâÂ� TIMâ¦BERLAKE!!!!
The crowd is going wild here at the JKLand Arenaâ¦Mr Knight has disappeared so we will not be able to get a comment at this timeâ¦
This has been an amazing match this evening ladies and gentsâ¦I leave you nowâ¦stay tuned for our next Fight Night when we watch our Ben âÂÂMrs. LopezâÂ� Affleck and George âÂÂI Love My PigâÂ� Clooney battle it out for the love of our resident VIP JdotRO!!!!
IâÂÂm Virdrama Lovinitall for Fight Night in JKLandâ¦thanks for tuningii n¦goodnight
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