Good evening ladies and gents and Jordan...welcome to another edition of the JKLand Global News...I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...
I mentioned in my previous report that Jordan Knight is in love with me. I have received numerous emails from him and he sent this photo to me today...
He has told me that he decided to name his man titties after his most recent heros...no not Bert and Ernie...he has named them Cheech and Chong...and he wants to know when they can play with Thelma and Louise...evidently he was spying on me during my recent sexual encounter with George Clooney...
I have contacted the police...I am thinking about filing harassment charges against the "man"...
In other news, a group of former Stans were spotted loitering outside of the newly reopened 'Implifier's Club'...the moment they tried to enter, the Implifiers pommled the crowd with Jordan's month old crusty thongs he has been trying to sell on his steadily sinking website. It is believed that Jordan himself killed three fans with one thong...no wait...I'm sorry--that information must be incorrect because Jordan throws like a girl...
Later that evening the surviving Stans were seen holding a candlelight vigil at the site of the thonging...today in a public address, President Bush announced that Jordan Knight would be his new weapons specialist...autopsy reports later revealed that the Stans died from smothering due to a toxic substance called 'L'Eau D'Knightgaunch'...and their bodies showed signs of rashing about the mouth and nose areas...
And finally...our dreams may come true...Jordan Knight will not be releasing the "New Kids Remix Album"...and if I may say so...THANK GOD!! I mean come ON! What a horrible idea...and those songs were just treaturous...my ears bled for hours after listening to that shiite! Oh...I just got a message from the station manager...Jordan Knight WILL be releasing the remix album...apparently he won't be releasing his 2nd solo attempt that he has been promising for years...
Oh well...look at it this way...they can use the remix album to torture Sadam Hussein...
And across the border at a local "Taco Bell" we caught up with Mr. Knight and asked him about the upcoming album...but he had just eaten seven bean burritos and was having....trouble....holding the conversation...ultimately he left the table and ran to the bathroom but we managed to get a quote from him before he ran off...when we asked what he thought of the finished product he responded...
This is terrible!! What the HELL was I thinking...biggest mistake I ever made and I just know I'm going to pay for it...
It was at that point that he tured green and made a run for the bathroom...so we've proved once again that Jordan isn't as stupid as we sometimes think he is...except when it comes to eating too many bean burritos...
Well that's all we have time for tonight...tune in next time for another edition of the JKLand Global News....I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...
I mentioned in my previous report that Jordan Knight is in love with me. I have received numerous emails from him and he sent this photo to me today...
He has told me that he decided to name his man titties after his most recent heros...no not Bert and Ernie...he has named them Cheech and Chong...and he wants to know when they can play with Thelma and Louise...evidently he was spying on me during my recent sexual encounter with George Clooney...
I have contacted the police...I am thinking about filing harassment charges against the "man"...
In other news, a group of former Stans were spotted loitering outside of the newly reopened 'Implifier's Club'...the moment they tried to enter, the Implifiers pommled the crowd with Jordan's month old crusty thongs he has been trying to sell on his steadily sinking website. It is believed that Jordan himself killed three fans with one thong...no wait...I'm sorry--that information must be incorrect because Jordan throws like a girl...
Later that evening the surviving Stans were seen holding a candlelight vigil at the site of the thonging...today in a public address, President Bush announced that Jordan Knight would be his new weapons specialist...autopsy reports later revealed that the Stans died from smothering due to a toxic substance called 'L'Eau D'Knightgaunch'...and their bodies showed signs of rashing about the mouth and nose areas...
And finally...our dreams may come true...Jordan Knight will not be releasing the "New Kids Remix Album"...and if I may say so...THANK GOD!! I mean come ON! What a horrible idea...and those songs were just treaturous...my ears bled for hours after listening to that shiite! Oh...I just got a message from the station manager...Jordan Knight WILL be releasing the remix album...apparently he won't be releasing his 2nd solo attempt that he has been promising for years...
Oh well...look at it this way...they can use the remix album to torture Sadam Hussein...
And across the border at a local "Taco Bell" we caught up with Mr. Knight and asked him about the upcoming album...but he had just eaten seven bean burritos and was having....trouble....holding the conversation...ultimately he left the table and ran to the bathroom but we managed to get a quote from him before he ran off...when we asked what he thought of the finished product he responded...
This is terrible!! What the HELL was I thinking...biggest mistake I ever made and I just know I'm going to pay for it...
It was at that point that he tured green and made a run for the bathroom...so we've proved once again that Jordan isn't as stupid as we sometimes think he is...except when it comes to eating too many bean burritos...
Well that's all we have time for tonight...tune in next time for another edition of the JKLand Global News....I'm Fanny Disturbershyt...
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